Saturday, December 25, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
hard healing
I am torn by this day-Christmas Eve and the day Reese and Scotlyn would celebrate 5 months of their life if they were here on earth. I block a lot of "life" out, I numb my mind to many things to get through the day. Sometimes I can't control it and let go, sometimes I don't want to control it anymore and sometimes I make the conscious choice to face it. I have been having a lot of anxiety in general-which I feel I have somewhat gotten a handle on. Last night I was having some anxiety about what was behind the doors in the closet in Brennan's playroom (which was supposed to be Reese and Scotlyn's room). I knew I had some Christmas outfits in there for them and felt I needed to free my mind of the anxiety that accompanied the curiosity when I thought about what was in there, so I did. I'm not sure it really helped, but I did it. This is all definitely a learning process for me. Really learning who I am now and what I need to do to get through this. Unfortunately grief is unpredictable and definitely reigns control at times. Blocking things out does not mean that I block them out, it is more like avoiding the avenue that leads to intense thoughts and feelings of how things should be, could be. Imagining the life that we should be living right now and knowing that the more vivid the thought is leads to that much more emptiness. Sometimes I need to let go and allow myself those thoughts, I need to get deep into what I am missing because that is part of healing. It's hard to let go knowing the sadness and emptiness that is coming, but I do not want to deny my girls. It hurts every day, but if hurting is what I need to do then I will let go and give myself to them.
This is a different Christmas for me as I'm sure every Christmas will be. I suppose the first is expected to be the worst. I think about Brennan's first Christmas and how long ago that was, how special that was and how much I want to be experiencing that with Reese and Scotlyn. I think about the natural way of life and how it is time that I get to experience that again, that I should be experiencing that again. I want them to be wearing their Christmas outfits with reindeer on them and the cutest reindeer slippers ever. I want them here with me, with our family where they belong. Instead I am experiencing this completely unnatural life-a life where my children that I carried and loved with my whole heart are not here. Every day is different than it should be, but this holiday, a monumental time of year without them absolutely brings a solemn kind of joy.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Message from Santa
Brennan got a message from Santa this morning:)
http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/watch/guest/SaGa3lSSb75OvE2C2jslZw
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
cookie baking and memories
Today Brennan and I went to my grandparents house for a visit. My aunt lives in Arizona and she is in town with her family. We were due 6 weeks apart with Brennan and her daughter, Alex. Well, we all know Brennan came early so they are actually 4 months apart. This pregnancy we were due about 2 weeks apart. I got to meet her little guy, Jack, for the first time today. I must say he is quite the sweetie and I got a lot of snuggle time with him, which I thoroughly enjoyed! I was a little nervous about my emotions with this visit, but I felt really well which was a relief. Brennan and Alex baked cookies for Santa, drank hot chocolate, watched Christmas shows, and played alot! They had a great time! When we left Brennan said "I had fun, mom." and then fell asleep in the car about 2 seconds later. I texted my aunt when we got home to tell her and she said Alex was already asleep too:) I'd say they definitely had a lot of fun and made some great memories, ones I hope they are getting old enough to remember.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Baking with Bear
Anyone who knows Brennan well knows that he loves to talk to his animals (and many other inanimate objects) :) He has a lot of 'friends' that sleep with him, but a few are very very special and Bear is one of them. Brennan's class is having a cookie exchange tomorrow so we baked cookies for the Reception and Exchange yesterday. I'll give you a little play by play of his conversations with Bear.
"Bear, do you want to bake cookies with us?"
"Mommy, can Bear bake cookies with us?"
Me: "Of course honey."
"Bear, do you want to help us mix?"
"Mommy, Bear wants to help us mix?"
Me: "Okay honey."
See how he has pulled Bear closer and his paw is holding the mixer?
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Mrs. Claus
Christmas time is always about Santa Claus, but Mrs. Claus is a big part of Christmas too because she takes care of Santa:) Brennan's preschool teacher arranged for Mrs. Claus to come all the way from the North Pole to see his class. They really enjoyed it.
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