magic all around

For Christmas, my mom got us a membership to the Magic House in St Louis. We took Brennan there yesterday for the first time and he had a blast! There is SO much to do there, I didn't even realize how much it has grown. It really is a fun, educational place and Brennan loved it. We can pretty much go anytime we want for free so I'm sure we will be spending a lot of days there, especially with the cold weather.

Bob the Builder Exhibit is coming to the Magic House at the end of the month and we are looking forward to that. Brennan liked playing in this construction zone.

Brennan really liked this-it was like a pneumatic tube that you could put yarn balls or pieces of cloth in. It shot around in the tube and then flew out-that was his favorite part:)

Jack and the Beanstalk slide. Brennan actually was not a fan of this, which isn't surprising. He gets intimidated very easily by bigger kids on things like this. I'm hoping with us going there quite a bit that he will learn to love it because it sure looks fun:)

Recycling..

Shopping..

He loved the ABC's and looking in the doors to see what object was behind which letter. He did so good and I was glad to get a little review in before his first day back to school today:) He has known the alphabet and recognized each letter for quite some time, but this year in school he has learned all of the sounds of each letter too. I'm really impressed by how much he is learning at school. I thought he may be too distracted by the other kids and so much going on to really soak much in, but he has really learned a lot. He has an amazing teacher! I just discovered the other day that he can sound out a word and tell me what letter it begins with. I was very proud to say the least.

Brennan liked this giant calculator too-he loves numbers:)

We were there for quite a while and didn't spend a lot of time on one thing and we still did not do everything. Which actually is quite alright so we will have some new things to do next time we go.

It was no surprise that one of Brennan's favorite stations was the giant water table. He loves water! That was the first station he played at. When we decide to leave somewhere, Casey is ready to leave, but we kept discovering new things to do on the way out. I kept saying "Let him do one more thing, one more thing, one more thing". Then we got back to the water table and of course he wanted to play in it again:) He got pretty soaked the second time so next time I know to bring an extra change of clothes! Luckily I had a little jacket in the car that he could wear instead of his wet shirt.

They had lots of musical stations, recycling, pretend-which makes up for about 90% of Brennan's playtime, slides, bubbles, a construction site, pretty much any child's dream:)

This made a gigantic bubble around Brennan, he thought that was pretty funny!

I found this sign very interesting...I would absolutely not be surprised if this is my 3 year old already and I am a little concerned that age 4 has more questions to answer! Although I do love to answer Brennan's questions because he really listens to what you say, he analyzes, and interprets very well. He learns a lot from the many questions he asks:)

Some parts of the Magic House need no explanation.

Needless to say, great gift idea GiGi!

Junie B

This is Brennan's new kitty, June. We got her for Brennan in the beginning of December. She has fit in pretty well in our home and has already acquired quite a few nicknames. Junie, Junie Bug, June Bug, Junie B are just a few.

I'm not really sure what to say about this pair-one thing is for sure, they are two of the hardest subjects to photograph together!

June usually runs away..

or they both get distracted..

This is just a fraction of the pictures I have taken of them and believe it or not this is about the best I could get. Brennan is usually an easy one to photograph so I'd say it's mostly June that makes it tough, but he is of course distracted by her so the two together is just very difficult.

I'd say this is the most successful so far..

When she came home with us the first day he said "Welcome to our home, June." He talks to her all the time. And if you know Brennan, you know he likes for us to talk back to him for his "subjects". Well, I told Brennan as soon as we brought June home that "June doesn't talk!" I did not want to be walking around talking for the cat all the live long day!

She definitely gets a lot of laughs out of all of us-she is just as crazy as Brennan! That's for a whole other post though.

It's pretty funny to see them together. Brennan loves June, but Junie-she could do without crazy, running around, chasing her, 3 year old little Brennan! Sometimes I feel bad that she isn't super snuggly and more tolerating of his crazy ways, but he loves her just the same:)

More snow...

I never posted these, but this was the last snow we got. The first snow wasn't very good snow to build a snowman, but this time Casey and Brennan were able to. All Brennan wanted to do was knock it down though! I didn't get any pictures of that, but here is his snowman and a little more sledding too:)

movie night

I worked the last two nights so I haven't gotten to spend much time with Brennan. Tonight I decided we should have a movie night with lots of snuggle time:) Brennan got a lot of movies in his stocking from Santa, but he hasn't watched any of them yet. He is kind of like me, he likes to stick with what he is comfortable with so he isn't really into watching new movies. I wanted to watch Ratatouille, but it took some convincing on my part. I pulled it out and he says "I don't want to watch that, there is a mean guy in it." I didn't even know where he got that from until we started looking at the cover and he showed me. See the mean guy in the bottom corner?? I explained to him that a lot of movies he likes has mean guys in them, but he still likes those movies. I gave him examples and he thought of some examples, too. He asked "The mean guy isn't going to come get me?" So I assured him that he is fake and stays in the movie. So finally after about 10 minutes of answering questions of a very inquiring mind, he agreed to watch it.

So in the beginning of the movie Remy the rat gets separated from his family and friends and thinks he will never see them again. He is depressed because he is lonely and has no one. An imaginary type figure convinces him that he should look to the life that lies ahead of him stating "If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead." When you are so consumed with thoughts about something so significant in your life you take every quote, saying, and every single thing that anyone says to heart. You try to piece every little detail into your world, trying to understand why everything happens the way it does. Taking meaning from every part of your life no matter how big or small. I did feel like I heard that message at this moment for a reason. Now it's obviously not that easy in this situation "to just put it behind me" because I will never forget Reese and Scotlyn nor would I ever want to. I have just been having so many thoughts about surrogacy. It is all such an emotional roller coaster. One minute I feel like, of course I want to do surrogacy, this is the next step in this life. And the next minute I feel stuck where I am just wishing with everything I had that I could just have my baby girls back. Then I have to snap myself back into reality and think about the fact that they aren't here with me and I do need to move forward with life while still being able to love them and miss them with all my heart. It's a constant battle. So sometimes looking at the whole picture makes the things that happen in life make a little more sense. Here I am just popping in a new movie to watch with my little man and then I hear this one little saying and it explodes into all of these thoughts about looking at the big picture in my situation.

Another member of the audience...

A Boys Life

Even at 3 years old involves shaving:)

My friend Dani got this for Brennan and he was SO excited! He never wants to take a bath-he always has fun, but it takes some coercion to get him in there. Well, he wanted to get into the bath immediately after receiving this! He loved it-it was just like daddy:)

Bren got a new art easel for Christmas and it's awesome! It has a chalk board, dry erase and paper to paint, draw, etc. Thanks maw maw and paw paw:)

Concentrating on exactly which color to use next...

The finished masterpiece...

Brennan's playroom has always been a free for all for toys. Toys thrown here and there and not much organization. Well I know it wasn't long ago-a few months maybe that I cleaned the playroom and moved baby toys down to the basement :( I felt like I had organized somewhat, but then you know we just had Christmas so it was time for another overhaul. It may not look completely organized, but in my mind everything has a place and a lot of stuff that needed to be cleaned out was. I don't think there is one square inch that doesn't have something in its place. It's packed wall to wall!

I'm thankful for all of the wonderful things he has to help him learn, grow and challenge his imagination. Brennan is a very unique child with great potential and I want to give him everything he needs to succeed.

This is Brennan's new "Responsibility Chart" I love it and I think it is going to be great for him! GiGi got him this for Christmas and I am hoping to put it to good use. There are many more "goals" to choose from, but we chose the most appropriate for Brennan and his age. This can be used for a long time as it has more household chores (dishes, laundry), but the ones we picked are:

*Stop Whining-I would give many rewards to never hear another whine again!

*Apologize to Someone-The other night he was apologizing to me for hitting his friend Brody?

*Take a Bath-perfect for the arguing over getting into the tub

*Brush Teeth-Brennan is really good about this, but it is still appropriate

*Share-Of course any kid can use some encouragement in this department

*Put Toys Away-Brennan is terrible at this, which is our fault because we have never really made him put his toys away. His toys have always just been thrown about in his playroom, but now that I have organized I'm hoping this will help keep all of my hard work from being undone.

*Take Care of Pet-We got Brennan a cat last month and I think a big part of having a pet is being responsible for taking care of it.

Obviously since he is 3 we aren't going to punish him if he doesn't do some things, but this is more a reward system and encourages this good, responsible behavior.

So anyway Brennan gets to pick a magnet and place it next to task he accomplished on which day of the week.

Cheers:)

Kids definitely enjoy celebrating the New Year:) We got together with some of our very good friends to celebrate the New Year (a day early). They had a great time, complete with

Sparkling Grape Juice...

Cheersing to the New Year...

Sporting their party hats...

and just enjoying time with their lifelong friends..

I ended my year hanging out with a dear friend and celebrating the life of her new baby, Wes. He is sweet as pie, cute as can be and we got some snuggle time in:)

the best of the worst

Two thousand and ten will go down in my book as one of the best years and one of the worst years in my life. It was definitely filled with a whirlwind of emotions from start to finish. I am thankful for the joy I had during my pregnancy with Reese and Scotlyn. I had a lot of fear in my pregnancy, but the joy of expecting my two girls was overwhelming. I was so excited to meet them and to hold them and to spend the rest of my life loving them with all my heart. We were very fearful when I was admitted so early, but I held on to hope and the fact that I knew I had strong little girls in there. I had experienced prematurity before, but I knew this would be much different. I knew my babies were in for the biggest fight of their lives and I needed to do whatever I could to make their fight easier. I often feel like I let them down and I feel responsible for the heartache my family felt with their loss. At the end of this year I think I have experienced about every feeling or emotion that one person can. Half of which I wish with my whole heart I knew that no one would ever have to experience again and the other half I wish with my whole heart that I get to experience again with a more positive ending. I am thankful for the time that I got to spend with Reese and Scotlyn, while I was pregnant and after they were born. So proud of Reese and Scotlyn and their fight. I'm sad for what they had to go through. I'm devastated by their departure. I miss them every moment of every day. I long to see them again and to know that they are happy. I feel a lot of loneliness and emptiness without them here. I'm confused by why something so horrific would happen to me. I've felt an enormous amount of guilt thinking of anything I could have possibly done wrong to deserve this. I have had a lot of anxiety, worsening in the last couple of months. I'm envious of people who have their babies and wonder how it is so easy for so many people. I feel frustrated with myself sometimes for not being farther into this process of healing and for resorting to medication. I feel uncontrollable emotion when I think that something could have been done differently and my babies lives could have been spared. I'm grateful that my feelings are supported by my friends and family. My feelings aren't necessarily feelings of the past, they are still very present in my every day life. I sometimes feel like people think that since time has passed that the worst is over. It is a daily struggle living this life without my babies. I'm not sure what I would do without the people in my life who understand that this is a long and difficult process for me and are there anytime I need someone to talk through my feelings.

I am very honest about my feelings through this. I have to be, mostly for myself. When asked "How are you?" My whole life it has always been easier to just say "good" even if things aren't really the greatest. It is really difficult for me to say things are "good" right now. I know that's what people want to hear because it's happy and "good", but I have to be truthful with myself and everyone else. There are not many people that I know in real life who have experienced what I have (and for that I am extremely thankful!) so I know it is really hard for someone to understand what I am experiencing. I think anyone who has experienced true grief can relate to the ongoing process a tragedy like this brings. Anyone who hasn't cannot possibly understand, but I do appreciate those who try. I have an enormous support system that I cannot even begin to imagine living this life without them. Talking and writing through my feelings has been a big part of making any progress and I could not be more thankful for the people in my life who allow me to express my feelings no matter how bizarre and sporadic they may be.

Needless to say-I'm ready for 2011..