A day at the zoo

I had planned on today being the first day of school, but the first day of school turned into a field trip:)

I have been super stressed lately. I have a lot on my mind and I have a new work schedule that I am still getting used to. The past few days and days coming up are stressing me out because all of my shifts are scheduled very close together so I didn't get to see Brennan the last 2 days and that does not make me happy. It's one thing if it's for a short vacation, but when I feel like it could be a routine or something, that just does not work for me. So I hadn't seen him since Saturday night until last night when I got off work. I had a horrible day at work and  I could not wait to get home from work to see him. I got home and went to give him a hug and he pushed me away. Just being a kid with a little attitude at the moment, but I just broke down. All I could think about all day was getting home to him and I know kids act like that sometimes, but I was just so upset. We ended up reading some books together and played some games, but then it was time for bed. 

So today I was off and it was our day together. I decided to take him to the zoo because the weather is so nice and I just wanted to do something fun and neither of us be distracted by anything else, just the two of us. It was such a nice day and we had so much fun together! The weather was perfect!

This is him at the new Sea Lion exhibit-very exciting stuff! I adore this sweet face!

It is a tunnel, similar to the one we went through for the sharks at Sea World. It was pretty cool:)

We learned about Sea Lion skulls and talked about how black their teeth get because they obviously can't brush them!

The hippos were right against the glass so we could really see them well. The fish were cleaning the hippos so I was explaining how they had a mutually beneficial relationship. I was trying to think of the term symbiosis and could not think of it! Oh well, we did do a little learning since we skipped school today:)

I had originally planned to make today the first day of school, but since I am working tomorrow and have a meeting Thursday I thought we couldn't really get a routine down with one day of school so I want to wait until we can have at least a couple of days in a row. We are still doing school stuff, but I have some fun stuff planned for the first day-like make a big deal first day, so I want to wait to officially start. I'm sure it doesn't make sense, but in my nervous, stressed out brain it does:)

Hyenas, I know they've always been there, but not sure we've ever seen them. I wanted Brennan to see them because we are going to Lion King at The Fox this month:)  They really do look mean. These two were fighting so we got a little show.

We looked at some bones and saw a giant elephant leg bone and compared it to our leg bone.

It is so funny how enthralled people get over animals going to the bathroom. I mean, I suppose 5 gallons of pee and 50lbs of poop coming out of an animal is pretty impressive, but jeesh people. Brennan got a kick out of it, but he is a kid!

A very nice lady offered to take our picture. I totally took her up on it because I wanted at least one picture of us:)

We really got to see almost all of the animals really close and in action.

Brennan was entertained by this thing the longest. It had information inside and I was trying to read it to him, he let me read about 3 of them before I got cut off. He is usually willing to learn, but when he is done he is done! He just wanted to run back and forth and lift them and pretend they were something to go along with his action-adventure antics. Play away!

This guy was lazing around. It was so nice for them to be so close, Brennan spent a long time studying the animals and what they were doing. Thankfully the ones he wanted to watch were doing anything too nasty, some of the others on the other hand-yuck!

Got up close and personal with a leopard:)

Turtle and he loved the snakes!

Brennan found a penny and wanted to throw it in the water. As I watched the penny go in, I thought I forgot to tell him to make a wish. Just then, he turned around and said "I wished for you to be my best friend forever." and gave me a hug. Seriously, tears right now thinking about it. I could not ever explain how amazing this little boy is and how happy he makes me. I needed this day with him and felt so relieved to have this time with just him:)

Kindergarten approaching

I am really embarrassed about how long it's been since my last post! We have been keeping pretty busy. I have been very busy getting things ready for Brennan to start kindergarten. I am very excited about homeschooling this year! My best friend is a kindergarten teacher and she gave me 4 trash bags FULL of awesome stuff so I have been rummaging through them and picking things that will work for us. I have found lots of worksheets, projects, crafts, ideas for games to play. I am feeling better and better about how much stuff I have to do with Brennan for the year and I am becoming more excited about starting the year and less nervous that I am not going to teach him enough. We have already started doing some random things each day. We always read and talk about letters and numbers and rhyming, etc, but I've started making Brennan read more and work on little things at home to get him used to some of the stuff we will be doing. I started making incentives, like ice cream outings, for encouragement for reading. It has helped get him to participate and he is really reading well. 

We practiced with writing on the dry erase board this morning.

This is a fun activity that he enjoys, but it's not like "work" because it's fun:)

Bear was hanging out with us so Brennan decided to draw him:)

Love his sweet little drawings. I can't wait to see what else he comes up with the rest of the year:) I feel so lucky that I get to experience every little project and craft!

Family Pictures

Yesterday was rough and very unexpected. I mean I expected to feel a little more empty that we weren't celebrating with our daughters here and just the day in itself brings back so many memories, but I was sucked into a pit of grief. Like the debilitating kind where you can't do anything. I don't even remember the last time I felt that way, close to a year ago or more, I'm sure. I didn't even feel this way last year, maybe because we had planned a party the day of their birthday and I was preparing everything and we were with friends and family. This year was much different. I had been planning for a while now what I was going to do to celebrate Reese and Scotlyn's birthday this year. The few plans I came up with didn't work out, but I planned to be busy and do something fun with Brennan. I went to bed a little before midnight the night before and I was laying in bed and it was like as soon as midnight hit and it was officially their birthday, I broke down. I don't cry all that often anymore so it was really out of the blue that it hit me. The other day I got a text that a dear friend went to the cemetery to visit Reese and Scotlyn and that brought tears, but on a daily basis I don't get too emotional in that way. So when I woke up and did not want to do anything, but lay on the couch and watch tv (which is really embarrassing to admit and I never ever do) I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. Brennan and I read books and played too, but I didn't want to do anything else. I thought we may swim during the day because it's really too hot here to do anything else, but I had no desire. I couldn't eat breakfast, I couldn't eat lunch. We had gotten a cookie cake, which turned out less than desirable (appearance wise). Let's just say a cake made entirely out of a giant chocolate chip cookie is not a good thing to have on hand with the way I was feeling. It was literally the only thing I ate all day until dinner.  There were lots of tears and I felt really guilty all day for not celebrating for them in a more positive way. I did get some very sweet messages and cards in the mail, which I appreciate so much.  It warms my heart that people still love and think about my babies even though they are  not here. We also took their flower cupcakes to their grave and Renee, my step mom, ended up being there at the same time. It was nice to cry with someone else who loves my babies too. After our nap Brennan asked to go swimming and I was feeling a little more like I could at least get out and do that so we went to my moms for pizza, swimming and she got an ice cream cake. I forgot how exhausting that raw grief can be. Even though I got a nap, I was ready for bed by 9pm.

I found this sweet sweet picture on a fellow loss mommy blog on their birthday. Such a dear. Thank you Kimberly!

Kimberly's Blog

My days are extremely empty without my babies. I think people would think I would be used to it by now, but I am not. I think I will always feel like they are missing at many points in my life and I know that every day will not be like their birthday. Their birthday is just a day that should be so much fun and so busy and entertaining to watch my two baby girls growing bigger, but they are not here so my day was empty and lonely and sad. I looked at the two flower cupcakes sitting on the counter all day long and that was the only tangible thing representing their birthday, my heart felt like it was in a million pieces all day. 

The sunset last night.