I have been feeling like now more than ever that I need to go to an infant loss support group. I am even questioning why now, after a year, but I have learned that time does not necessarily "heal all wounds". There is one available at the hospital I delivered at, but I have never been able to bring myself to go back there. I have a hard enough time with things that enter my daily life out of my control, much less deliberately going to a place where I know will trigger a lot of emotion and anxiety. I did meet a sweet loss mother in the blog world who delivered the same place I did and attends those meetings and she is making me rethink my decision. It would be hard to go there, but maybe if I get the support I need now, it would be worth it. Plus, I would love to meet her:) I really haven't talked a lot with people who truly understand what I'm going through because they have been there. I have made some attempts online, but never really got what I needed so I relied on friends and family who have been extremely helpful, but there is a part of me who knows (and I know they would understand) that I need that connection with someone on the same level as me.
I have a feeling fall is having a little play in my emotions, too. I would have thought summer would have been harder, since their birthday is in July. It definitely brought its own emotions, but fall of last year was so incredibly hard for me. Those were the first weeks and months I lived without Reese and Scotlyn and I think about Christmas. I think every day how I don't want to live this life anymore, I just want them to be here. It's hard to think about living the rest of my life without them, it's painful and discouraging. I think about how not normal this is and it shouldn't be this way. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other because I have to.
Ill be thinking about you;) Ive gone to a couple of the meetings at my hospital too. I go for me, and its my private time to grieve. I think we all need a time when its ok to pour ALL of our thoughts and emotions into our children that arent here and at home it's so very hard because of our families. Fall is VERY hard and I can tell you now that I thought pregnancy would help but the overwhelming anxiety that comes with it is multiplying my grief, if that makes sense? Anyways, I will definetely be thinking about you and your sweet girls.
ReplyDeleteI understand how hard it is to go back there, it really is, and it still does stress me out, as I already said, but I also love that I feel closer to Olivia when I'm there since that was the only place she was alive outside of me. If your husband can't go, maybe I could meet you in the lobby or something if you do decide to go. I would love to meet you too. And there is something very comforting about having that time to focus on your sweet babies and being in a room full of people who totally understand what you are going through. The first meeting is the hardest, but it really does get easier to go.
ReplyDeleteFall is always hard for me too. But it does/will get easier. Hang in there. Thinking of you and your sweet girls.