Today.

I have struggled big time with Thanksgiving this year. Last year was cut and dry, I pretty much had nothing to be thankful for. I know that sounds terrible because obviously I did, but at the time I was in no mood to be "thankful" after losing my daughters. I sort of feel the same way this year although I think I'm a little more rational and I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but of course feel very unthankful that Reese and Scotlyn are not here with me. I miss them so much every day, I think about them all the time. Lately, I have been pushing so many thoughts about them out of my mind and it's not because I don't want to think about them or remember them, but it is still so hard. And just because I push a million and one thoughts out, doesn't mean there aren't still a million and one still there.

So with all of that being said, today, the actual day of Thanksgiving, was mediocre. We had two dinners with family and the company was great, but the start and end of the day were not so great. A couple of days ago I decided that one of Brennan's most favorite animals, Raffey, needed a bath. I read once in a magazine to put stuffed animals in a walmart/target bag, tie it and put it in the freezer for 24 hours to kill the bed bugs before putting it in the washer. So I did this and took Raffey out of the freezer and had a ton of laundry to (with bringing winter clothes up) so he didn't get washed right away. Well, last night at work Casey texted me asking where raffey is and I told him the story (he thought I was crazy). So this morning, the more I thought about it I thought I hadn't seen the bag recently. So I was looking everywhere for it when I got home and explained to Casey the bag he was in and Casey realized he threw the bag away. Like in the big trash can that has been picked up by the garbage man and taken to the landfill, threw away. Heart sink...I was so upset this morning, I cried. I told Casey he needed to tell Brennan so he did. He was actually okay with it this morning, until tonight at bedtime when he was ready to go to sleep with one of his most prized possessions. Bottom lip puckered out:( So we told him we would take him to get a new Raffey (this is not even good enough for me at the moment!) and that appeased him for a while. Then he was laying in bed and two times realizing Raffey was not there, he got teary eyed. I got upset again and I just think of our dear little Raffey sitting with stinky trash and not with my baby where he belongs. You don't even have to tell me how ridiculous this is because I already know! I remember when Brennan was younger, before he was attached to any animals, hearing a story about a friend whose daughter lost her beloved stuffed animal and the mother was distraught over it and I just did not understand why it was that big of a deal. I have even thought about that situation recently and thought about how now I can totally understand. I have been that very distraught mother over this:( Tomorrow will be another story, but today this is a sad event in our lives. I was even recently thinking that Bear (his other favorite night time animal) and Raffey would probably be two things I kept forever, that's how special he is. Plus, after going through everything we have and Brennan possibly being our last child I have been struggling with him getting bigger, growing up and really cherishing every little moment and the special things in his life. So maybe that has made it extra hard. Here is a picture of our loyal friend Raffey (with Bear), whom we miss with all our heart.