Poem

Poem, Author Unknown

"Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."

I found this quote at Dear Stevie, she is also the founder of

It's sort of a relief to find a quote that speaks so clearly as to what you're experiencing. It's the feeling that someone out there truly understands. I know there are entirely too many people who do understand and each of their words are all too familiar yet comforting at the same time.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today, October 15th, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This loss happens far too often and it is heart wrenching to think of how many women are going through the same horrible experience I am. It is a heartache that never goes away. Never. It is a heavy burden to carry each day.





I think about my babies all the time, but today is a day to raise awareness for all of the babies who lost their lives entirely too early and the parents who mourn the loss of their baby at any age. So people know this loss is mourned with heavy hearts and broken dreams, forever. It is a sadness that never completely goes away. I know how important the support that I have received over the last year has been for my healing. This day is to let people know that even though it is sad and sometimes uncomfortable to talk about, these babies need to be remembered because their lives are just as important as our children here on earth. And for the parents who love them more than anything and walk in the shoes of extreme emptiness and heartache for the rest of their lives.




I miss these beautiful girls more than words can ever express. ♥Reese and Scotlyn♥

Soccer!

Brennan is enjoying soccer, as you can see:) I haven't gotten a whole lot of pictures because I'm not really supposed to be there. If you remember my first soccer post when Brennan cried because he wanted to be with me. Well, this is really ridiculous (but it works) I can go, but I have to stay under cover:) I pretty much stand with Casey because Brennan doesn't pay attention to the crowd, but when he comes to get a drink I take cover until he is back on the field. We just didn't want to risk another unproductive practice so thought this was the best way;)

They always do drills for the first part and he really enjoys those, I think it's his favorite part. The coach has them do all sorts of things, here they were running when the coach held up the green flag and stopping on the red flag and Brennan just thinks it's the most fun thing!

At the end they play little scrimmage games, no scores. It's pretty comical to watch them play. Especially when you tell 4 year olds they can't touch the ball with their hands:)

Brennan really just runs up and down the field with the other kids and if the ball happens to come his way then he'll kick it around a bit. Otherwise he is happy just running around:)

Support

I have been feeling like now more than ever that I need to go to an infant loss support group. I am even questioning why now, after a year, but I have learned that time does not necessarily "heal all wounds". There is one available at the hospital I delivered at, but I have never been able to bring myself to go back there. I have a hard enough time with things that enter my daily life out of my control, much less deliberately going to a place where I know will trigger a lot of emotion and anxiety. I did meet a sweet loss mother in the blog world who delivered the same place I did and attends those meetings and she is making me rethink my decision. It would be hard to go there, but maybe if I get the support I need now, it would be worth it. Plus, I would love to meet her:) I really haven't talked a lot with people who truly understand what I'm going through because they have been there. I have made some attempts online, but never really got what I needed so I relied on friends and family who have been extremely helpful, but there is a part of me who knows (and I know they would understand) that I need that connection with someone on the same level as me.

I have a feeling fall is having a little play in my emotions, too. I would have thought summer would have been harder, since their birthday is in July. It definitely brought its own emotions, but fall of last year was so incredibly hard for me. Those were the first weeks and months I lived without Reese and Scotlyn and I think about Christmas. I think every day how I don't want to live this life anymore, I just want them to be here. It's hard to think about living the rest of my life without them, it's painful and discouraging. I think about how not normal this is and it shouldn't be this way. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other because I have to.

Toy Story 3 on Ice!

To Infinity...And Beyond!

This was the best Disney on Ice show I've seen! I highly recommend it if you have the chance to go.

Brennan went with his bestest buddy, Brody and they had so much fun!

So excited when the show was starting:)

Very intrigued!

Zurg has always been a favorite of Brennan's. He is not featured a lot in the first 2 and not at all in the 3rd, but he made a big impact on Brennan!

You can't see a Toy Story show without "The Claw"

Enjoying the show...

They really didn't miss a bit on the big scenes in all movies.

Ken and Barbie were pretty awesome, too:)

Moving.Forward.

I have been having a rough time lately. It's not one thing, it's just living every day without my babies. It's still so hard. I hold back a lot on here (and in my every day life) so I don't post much about how I feel on a daily basis and there are some things that I can't talk about right now. Part of me wouldn't mind blogging more of my feelings and I had planned to, for myself and for others who stumbled across my blog in the same situation. I just don't want it to seem like a pity party, although I do think its important for people who want to be supportive, not just to me but anyone in my situation, to understand the best they can what it's like to live a life with a loss like this. Thankfully, I have wonderful, suppotive friends and family who are there for me at the drop of a hat when I need them.

Lately, Brennan has been craving a play mate. And for the past year I have been so thankful that he has been content by himself. I was always so worried about him not having a sibling and he talked about Reese and Scotlyn, but never seemed lonely until recently. He still plays well on his own (and with us, of course), but he has been asking to go play with friends or if friends can come over constantly. We do the best we can to keep him involved with other kids-school, soccer, play dates, other various activities, but I think he is craving that constant companion and play mate in a sibling. He told me at breakfast one morning that he wishes Reese and Scotlyn wouldn't have died so they were here for him to play with:( I don't mean to sound like I dwell on things or that I am not thankful for Brennan because I absolutely am, but if you think about how important your family is and how often you think about them, that is how often I think about Reese and Scotlyn and since I am forced into a future without them-that's how often I think about having another child. Every moment of my life revolves around my family and everything we have gone through and everything we have to go through to have another baby. It may be easy for someone to think that I have one child and can't I just be happy with that. I am as happy as I can be in the situation I am in and I think it's easy for the people who have planned their family and are content with what their family has become. I just feel a lingering emptiness in my life from losing Reese and Scotlyn and my family feels incomplete without them and then being forced to move forward into a life where I can't plan to extend my family the way I want to. When your whole life revolves around your family and you can't plan for what you want, especially when it comes so easily to others and you know the situation you are in should not be the way it is, it is very difficult.

I know I have posted on here before that I watch my friends' baby, Wes. Well, today I told Brennan that Wes wouldn't be coming over anymore on Thursdays. Brennan loves Wes so much, he cries when he has to take a nap and he asks for him on the days he is not here. They are buddies!

I was afraid he would be upset so I immediately assured him that we would go play with him often or have him at our house again sometime. He first verified that we would indeed be able to play with him at his house sometime and then said "I wish we could have a new baby that we could keep, but Reese and Scotlyn died." I love more than anything that he remembers his sisters, but it crushes my heart at the same time.

A lot of my difficulties come with every day conversations. Things that should be okay for people to talk about are bothersome to me. I could never name every situation because there are literally too many in one day much less the last months since I've posted, but I guess looking back through the year, I've definitely made progress, but every day is still a challenge. I'm thinking it is going to be this way for a long time.

Brennan starred on Show Me St. Louis with a few of his friends:) You can watch it here.