Mother's Day

**I started this on Mother's Day, but I just never got it posted, but I still wanted to share**

This Mother's Day was hard. Very hard. I was a bit surprised. I looked forward to it thinking we would get to see my grandma and grandpa, that I haven't seen in too long, but we were expecting bad weather so they cancelled. Then throughout the morning I had so many mixed emotions between feeling so incredibly thankful to be a new mommy again to Brooks, and feeling so incredibly sad to be missing another big part of me being a mommy, Reese and Scotlyn. I had a strong desire to go to the cemetery and honestly I don't always feel like I need to go there to grieve. I actually don't usually prefer it, but yesterday I did. I had originally planned for us all to go, Brooks still hasn't been there. But we were expecting rain and Brooks was asleep and I thought I should go before it started raining. I offered for Brennan to go and he does go with me often when I do go, but I didn't really think he would that morning. As the morning went on I was feeling a little like I needed to go alone so I could cry and not make him worried about me, but he ended up wanting to go. Which of course was completely fine. We took two pink pinwheels with white polka dots. It was breezy so they were perfect, but all I kept thinking is that I still don't understand why they are gone. I know I never will, ever (and I don't want to hear that everything happens for a reason or that it's God's plan) but I still get stuck in this state of disbelief that my babies died.  I think about them often, but I have been in a bad habit of pushing my grief away and I feel like I had to do that again on Mother's Day because, well I have 2 boys here that I need to be a happy mommy for. I definitely do not give myself enough time to grieve and I have needed it now more than I have in a long time. And while I mostly have never hid my grief or tears from Brennan because I think it's good for him to know that it's okay to grieve, lately I have been. So that's that part of Mother's Day for me. Brooks made two special butterflies for his sisters♥

The rest of my Mother's Day was joyful and spent with many people I love and wonderful mama role models.

My mama and Brooks. My mom had been watching Brooks on Friday mornings, he likes his GiGi time:)  I had a heavy heart for her this Mother's Day because she lost my grandma (her mom) one week after Brooks was born so this was her first without her. I talk to my mom every day-in the morning and usually in the evening. I love our conversations-we talk about everything! I'm not sure what I would do if I couldn't call her and tell her about the little and big things in my life and wish her a Happy Mother's Day.

She likes to spoil these boys-mostly with as much sugar as she can find (well not Brooks..yet) 

Me and my mama, wish I could have gotten a clearer picture.

My aunt Kathy and her son, Jack. Jack liked tickling Brooks' feet:)

My grandma holding Brooks for the first time:) He started fussing, but she didn't let that stop her-she wasn't giving up that easy!

My grandma playing with Brooks. I wanted to get more pictures today, but that didn't happen and these were taken "quick while Brooks is happy"

Our family picture. I have been trying to be good about getting family pictures when we're together and have someone to take it.

We took some pictures the morning on Mother's Day before we went anywhere. I am so thankful to have these two sweet little men in my life♥

This smile...melts my heart. Brooks is SO MUCH FUN! He is still fussy (we thought the reflux medicine was working, but now he is spitting up like crazy so we decided to stop it) But really he is happy and playful, it's just when he's mad, he's mad;)

It probably seems weird, but I still have a hard time believing he is here and he is mine to keep. 

I spent so many years trying to have another baby after Reese and Scotlyn, it's hard to believe this sweet little miracle is really mine and I get to experience being a mom to a baby again.

I love when he puts his hands together like this. Another thing he does is when I'm feeding him his bottle, he grabs and holds my fingers with both hands-he is too precious!

Brooks had been starting to swat at things, but it wasn't always easy to tell if it was purposeful, but the last few days he has really been grabbing at things with both hands and bringing his teether to his mouth. I love when I get close and he grabs at my face and smiles. He loves when I get right in his face and play with him-he laughs and smiles and it's so contagious!

There is no greater thrill than your baby smiling at you♥

I'm obsessed with all of his adorable little facial expressions.

I had to get a closeup of these chucks that my friend, Kate, gave us (along with the I ♥ mommy shirt) Too cute! 

I am in total disbelief at how big this guy is getting. He is growing so fast!

He is really seeming so much older and it's making me sad! Sometimes I look at him and I feel like he should still be 3 years old! 

Sweet card Brennan made for me at school♥

All of my goodies-plant from Brennan that he grew from a seed at school, his card, card from Casey and flowers from Casey-I'm pretty spoiled by all my men♥

I also got this wonderful gift from Renee, she works full time and babysits Brooks in her only free time while we work, but not really free time because she misses out on much needed sleep to babysit him. And she still finds time to make me something! I can't wait to hang it up! She has made about every piece of furniture in our house, tons of awesome goodies for both boys including Brooks' crib and armoire! She is so incredibly thoughtful and she is always thinking about us! 

This Mother's Day, I couldn't stop thinking about all of the mama's celebrating without their babies-I had to take a moment at the cemetery to think about all of the babies that are buried with Reese and Scotlyn and their mommies who are missing them. Also, everyone celebrating without their mom's-especially my mom who I mentioned lost my grandma in November, and those that want to be mama's and aren't able to. It is a celebrated day for a lot of people, but for some it brings just as much pain as happiness. 

Mother's Day for me, although it is fun to have a special day, I don't expect anything nor do I expect to not have to do anything. Being a mommy is my most favorite and rewarding time in my life and that itself is a true gift♥

Monkeys in May

I have been wanting to write my own post about how Brooks is doing at 5 months, he beat me to it before;)

I cannot believe it's been 5 months since this little man came into our lives. It's crazy how big he is getting! He is SO sweet, he loves to snuggle! This is both of our favorite time-when he falls peacefully asleep in my arms♥

Brooks loves to play-he loves his duckie, his little blue monkey that rattles, his dog that talks, laying on his play mat and kicking while watching his toys, and he still gets so excited about his mobile with animals. His favorite play time is with his family! He smiles and coos at us and it is seriously the most precious thing. Melts my heart every time.

We had an Occupational Therapy and Physical Therapy session scheduled last week and we went to the OT appointment, but she thought it would be better if he were seen by a home based program that services kids 0-3 years. So we skipped our PT appointment and set up a time for the coordinator to come out to get Brooks registered and scheduled for in home therapy evaluations. We are scheduled May 20th with PT, OT and a Developmental Therapist. I'm anxious to see what they have to say. His legs are strong, but his upper body tone is very low. He is holding his head up better, but still a bobble head as Brennan calls him;)

We had a pediatrician appointment Thursday-he got his 4 month shots:( He actually did pretty good, especially for him;) He was 11lb 4oz so he is still gaining in the 5-7oz/week range. The doctor asked if I had talked at his NICU follow up about his formula since he is still on the higher calorie, but I didn't even ask because he is still so little. His pedi said there is debate on how long to keep them on it, but he obviously still needs it and said he would stay on it until his weight "takes off" Well, Brennan was on it the whole first year because he never really took and I'm thinking Brooks will be the same way. Which is fine, as long as he is getting what he needs. We have just been ordering online, as hard as it was to get in the beginning in stores-it's even harder now! We will try to hunt some down if we have a coupon check, otherwise it's not worth it. I buy 2-3 months at a time and we're good. The doctor said we could start food anytime, but I'm going to wait, probably at least a couple more months. He is getting close to 4oz about every 3 hours. He has been sleeping longer at night, but mostly because he has been awake longer in the evenings during his fussy time. I had a hard time describing his behavior to the pediatrician because he isn't really consistent. I knew he was still refluxing because I could see it, but when I would see it, it didn't necessarily bother him then. But he was still so fussy. He had happy times, but would go back and forth with the bottle, didn't want to go to sleep and I was really trying to avoid medicine especially because I wasn't convinced it was the reflux causing his fussiness. After talking to the doctor, he didn't think it seemed consistent with reflux either, but we decided to try the medicine since we know he has it and I think it's working after just a few days. This weekend was the best weekend we have ever had and this evening he was SO happy and playful. Usually he is fussy and we are rocking him or trying to console him all evening. Hopefully this continues, I always feel so bad for him because he has had such a hard time and now I regret not trying the medicine sooner. I am a nurse so I'm not against medicine, but I really try to avoid it if possible. Even tylenol, I will have Brennan try everything else for a headache before I give him tylenol. I'm the same way with myself. Anyway, I am glad to have my happy baby all the time and I hope it stays this way!

Here is snuggling with Uncle Vance-so sweet!

We have been trying to keep Brennan busy on the weekends, he always has fun ideas! This is a Wild Kratts costume we made a couple of weeks ago. Brennan loves animals and Wild Kratts is an educational show about animals and he really enjoys learning about the different animals.

I try to teach Brennan about eating healthy and making good food choices. We try to do fun stuff with health foods-here is his fruit and yogurt parfait:) He is playing soccer on Tuesdays and really enjoys it, but his most favorite thing to do right now is ride his bike! He got the hang of it without training wheels a few months ago and it's just about all he wants to do. He is begging for a bigger one-his is small and he wants one with a kickstand:)

This weekend he got to ride daddy's new lawn mower. He was so excited! He didn't cut grass, but he pulled a cart behind it that carries brush when Casey cleans up the yard. He can't wait for school to be out! He really likes school and does well, but he is ready for a break. I can't believe how old he is seeming lately. It's so crazy like life is just flying by. He is such a sweet boy and so much fun to be around. Yesterday, we got to go biking at the bike trail near our house and we just rode and talked the whole time, it was so wonderful♥