Tears

I wrote here about Scotlyns recording device with her heartbeat not working in her bunny. I got a call from Build A Bear a couple of weeks ago saying it was ready and working-I was so relieved. Our Build A Bear is in the mall so I carried her bunny around with me while I did a little shopping. I was in Macy's and found a few things for Brennan and went to check out. There was a lady in front of me checking out and she was commenting to the sales clerk on how cheap the girls clothes were. She turned around and asked "Do you have girls?" as I am holding Scotlyns bunny. Is someone sitting on my chest because I can't breathe. Do I have daughters? Yes. Daughters I can buy clothes for? No. I just politely smiled and said no, because I don't have 'girls' I can buy clothes for which I am certain was why she was asking. Still can't breathe, actually feeling quite suffocated. Oh how I wish I had my girls to buy clothes for. How different and wonderful and amazing my life would be if my girls were here. How I still don't understand why they aren't here and never will be. I realized after Brennan started school that Reese and Scotlyn would be starting preschool this year. I don't know why I didn't think of it before, but all of the sudden it hit me. I think that was harder in the beginning than sending Brennan to public school-and that has not been easy.

The first couple of days Brennan had a really hard time with drop off at school. The second day being the worst. The first day when we go there he screamed, yes screamed and cried. It was quite terrible, but he had a couple of those same instances this summer so I was a little prepared. I wasn't prepared for the second day when we were eating breakfast and he said he didn't want to go to school, i encouraged him that all would be fine and he would have fun just like the first day (he did have a great first day after I left). He continued saying he didn't want to go then started crying in the car on the way-"I don't want to go to school. I want to stay home with you for one more day, please just one more day. I want you to teach me 1st grade" Ahh! I want to teach you first grade! (Casey really wanted him to go to public school which is why I am not homeschooling again) I still (of course) encouraged him that it would be a lot of fun just like the day before. He continued until we got to school and he would not get out of the car. I had to get in and drag him out-so not my child. I had to drag him into school and into the classroom. The teacher had to pry him off of me while he is screaming and crying. That's when I lost it. I was so so sad. I knew he would settle like the day before, but I worried all day. I called the first day to check on him and I should have the 2nd day because I worried more that day! He greeted me with a smile after school though and told me all about his day. Since then has been much better. Casey took him the 3rd day-no tears, no sadness, he was completely fine. So I had a talk with him and explained that it was ok to be sad, but he could not scream and cry. So I took him again the next day and he did much better, but the teacher wanted to talk to me so I was standing there for a minute which gave him time to change his mind. He came over with tears in his eyes and said "I'm trying really hard not to be sad, but it's hard" It was getting worse the longer I stood there so I did a last hug and kiss and told him bye and went into the hall and he settled right down. I started leaving him the hall instead of coming into the classroom and that has worked much better. I took him every day this week and he has had no tears, except today he kept looking back in the hall saying "bye mom, I love you mom, I love you mom, bye" and the last look he started running back to me crying and he quickly turned around and ran into the classroom like he knew he just needed to get into the classroom and he would be fine. Such a sweet boy. I love him and I MISS him so much. I do not like this at all. I feel like I never see him and when I do we are doing homework and it makes me sad. He does enjoy it. I feel like now it is much harder on me than it is on him.

So needless to say the tears have been coming from me this week.

My little Firsty♥

Being silly before school:)

Don't be fooled by the smiles, there were NO smiles at school. More like tears:( 

I posted a little about Brennan's separation issues this summer and they have gotten so much better. Although we kind of backed out of all activities for a while. Which has been really nice by the way. Even with me going to work, Brennan got a lot better. We talked  a lot about school. I explained all of the classes, lunch, recess, what time he would go, what time I would pick him up, we did some reviewing of lessons and sight words. He was saying he was excited and nervous until we took a trip to the school a couple of weeks ago and looked around. We looked in classrooms, the library, the computer lab, he played with the lockers, and after that he was no longer nervous. Then we had open house last week and he was in his classroom and played with the lockers again (his favorite thing!) and continued to act more excited. He has his preschool teacher this year for first grade so we thought that would be a good transition. 

He still had a very hard time with me leaving this morning. And there is no reasoning with him-he runs out after me so the teacher had to hold him for a little bit. I tried to tell Brennan before that if he can stay calm and does okay with me leaving then I will be able to come back at some point and help in the classroom otherwise, I know his teacher (and don't blame her one bit), but they want the kids to have independence and this does not show that! Even though I don't think there is anything wrong with Brennan, I don't regret homeschooling for a minute and I would do again this year in a heartbeat if Casey would agree to it, but I know in school how important the independence is for students. So anyway, I'm sure we've blown the whole volunteering thing, at least until we can get our act together:)

Ben 10 backpack:)

Putting his backpack in his locker:) 

I have been so emotional the last few weeks. I am starting to feel a little better, but I am still in constant wonder about why my babies can't be here with me. Every day, I wonder. I know it seems so repetitive, but I don't think that will ever end. So many people have babies every day with no difficulties. It always amazes me. My situation is such the opposite. Speaking of opposites-I think about this often. You know how people are always so giddy about babies? I mean they are the cutest and the squishiest and they change your lives more than anything in the whole world. So why is it so hard for people to understand that the opposite of the most exciting time of your life is the worst possible time in your life when you lose your child? I mean some people do try to understand of course, but the ones who don't. I don't get it.

I grieved quietly on Reese and Scotlyns' angelversaries. There is always so much anxiety leading up to their birthday and then dreading the dates they died that by the time their birthday is over, I have nothing left. I had a baby shower for my BFF on Scotlyns angelversary and she is having a girl. I don't think she reads this, but when it comes to people I know and my best friends, especially, I really don't blog much about my feelings toward their pregnancies. I know how much my friends try to understand what I am going through and especially this friend at this time, but I do not want them to feel guilty by reading something I might say that is in no way their fault. However, this shower was difficult, but I really wanted to be there for her. Then we went camping on Reese's angelversary. It was nice to get away and be with friends, but of course no matter what we do I always,  always wonder what it would be like to have them with us.

So in the midst of my emotional chaos, we went to the store one day and there was a homeless girl outside with a sign asking for money. I was so curious about her. She looked about my age, a cute girl with strawberry blonde dreadlocks. There are often times people in this same spot-usually older men, but this girl was different. She was my age. It made me so sad to wonder what she had been through that made her have to resort to this. On the way out I stopped and gave her some money. She had this big bold smile and said "God Bless". I just started crying, I felt so sorry for her.  I wanted to help her more. I wanted to talk to her to find out her story and help her more in some way. I wondered if she had a child or children she was trying to feed. Brennan was with me so of course I have to be cautious about decisions regarding this, but I saw her again today and I am still so torn. I don't want her to have to be out on the street asking for money. Maybe I could take her a bad of groceries? I mean I would love to help more than that even, but I sometimes I wonder what they spend the money on. If it truly is for food or something else. My heart is just broken for her and the situation she is in, I wish I knew of something more I could do that would really make a difference.

3rd Heavenly Birthday

This morning I got an email from one of my BFF's, Amanda. It included a super sweet message about her love for our girls and some pictures of her girls when they went to visit Reese and Scotlyns grave last night.

They brought these adorable Disney princess pinwheels because they thought that is what they would like♥

I am sure they would be into all things princess. They would be the age Brennan was when they were born. It's hard to think about all that I have missed out on with them. And equally as hard to think about what I miss out on...forever.

Brennan wanted to take them flowers and of course I did too and I really am in love with these cupcake flowers so we picked them up and went to visit them. 

I was so sad this morning. In tears nearly all morning. I couldn't decide if I wanted to head to St Louis to do anything-I was worried I wouldn't keep it together. I was worried about how I would be if I sat at home too. So we went. I didn't take my camera in because I just didn't feel like messing with it and the pictures on my phone aren't really spectacular. Not to mention I sort of wish we would have just stayed home because right when we got there Brennan knocked my phone out of hand and shattered 

the screen:(

I love this boy so much and I am so glad he was with me today-even if he did break my phone:) I kind of felt bad for him because I was in such a daze this morning, he would be talking to me and he had to repeat himself several times because I was so out of it. I did start feeling a little better as the day went on and we found out that Casey was getting to come home this evening instead, which was the best news all day:)

Here is Brennan at their funeral.

The sunset was beautiful.

And we released these 2 pink lanterns tonight♥

Truth

My truth: I am dreading Reese and Scotlyns birthday tomorrow. I feel like a terrible mommy saying that. I just miss them so much and it makes me so sad that I have to spend another one of their birthdays without them here to celebrate. I have been having so much anxiety about the days coming up. I am able to be distracted unlike in the beginning, but when it hits, it hits hard. 

We went peach picking yesterday at Eckert's with our friend. The orchard is behind the cemetery where Reese and Scotlyn are buried. The tractor pulled right up  by the infant section of the cemetery. I had this feeling that I just wanted to run over there and be with them. I didn't go over there because Brennan was headed toward the peaches. It's truly not that comforting to look at a headstone when all you want to do is hug your babies.

We haven't made any plans for tomorrow. I leave the day open so Brennan and I can spend the day together and then when Casey gets home, spend the evening with him. I am a little anxious about though, Casey had to go out of town for work:( I cried and cried when I found out. He just got this job so there wasn't  anything he could do. Also, we have no plans during the day and last year when I didn't make plans, I was so sad that we sat at home and I cried all day long. I don't want a repeat-I should at least have some distraction. I didn't make plans with anyone because if I am not functional-no one else should have to deal with that. So I am trying to talk to Brennan today to decide what to do.

The kids had fun picking peaches and they will be on Show Me St. Louis today.

My Godson, jack. He is so adorable!

Brennan and Livy were laughing it up on the tractor.

Brennan and Bella-BFF's:)

Arch

We live near St Louis, but rarely go to the arch. Brennan went 3 years ago when I was pregnant and on bedrest with Reese and Scotlyn. I hadn't been since I was like 12.

My mom's cousin was in town so we ventured over with them.

Brennan loved all of the educational stuff about Cowboys and Indians:)

Brennan and GiGi riding up to the top!

I didn't take my camera so I just had my phone, I couldn't get the whole thing in. I'm sure if I tried a little harder or could maneuver like a normal person I could have!

The forgotten hip

First of all, I will acknowledge I am the worst.blogger.ever. I am not sure anyone reads this anyway, but I really do enjoy blogging, I just feel overwhelmed when I get so far behind.

Anyway, my hip recovery could be better, could be worse.  When I went in for my first appointment with the surgeon, he said "Some people call it the 'forgotten hip' because after a while things are back to normal and they forget they had their hip replaced" His point was that people don't follow up with the routine x-rays to monitor when the revision is needed. Well, I am ready to forget about this hip any time now! I have been waiting for that day to come, but I have a feeling it won't be anytime soon!:( It's not terrible and of course it is getting better, but it's so slow! I know it hasn't been long and I have to keep reminding myself of that, but I just want to be back to normal!

We have been enjoying time swimming, spending time with family and friends, and I am working my job that I do telephone triage so it's nice to be able to be partly back to work.

Brennan had his last baseball game last week.

He got the cutest little trophy!

I will try to be a better blogger! I have lots of pictures to share:)

Behind

I am so far behind on blogging I don't even know where to begin so I am starting with our trip to the Science Center a couple of weeks ago.

Making energy with wind:)

Playing with Uncle V in the Discovery Room.

I have been soooo lazy about pictures lately. Luckily my sister took some pictures with her phone:)

Roberts foot is gigantic-I guess I never realized how big it really was!

Uncle Vance and Aunt Ally♥

I can't believe we have never been before! I am kind of embarrassed since I homeschooled him this year! Not that we didn't do other fun/educational stuff and I guess I just remember people saying how it isn't that great anymore, but Brennan really enjoyed it and wants to go back again.