Thursday, June 28, 2012

T-Ball 2012

Brennan just finished Tball season:)

He got to play with his BFF Brody again, they have so much fun together!

Brennan swinging...


Running the bases!

I wasn't able to go to many games because I am training for my new job, but I am glad I got these pictures:)

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

These Days

I have been a little more melancholy lately. I was already feeling uneasy overall and then  I was cleaning out Brennan's playroom last week. I had put all of his papers and projects from his last 2 years of preschool in a box in the closet and decided to sort through everything. I threw most of the papers away and as I was going through I was getting closer to the beginning of his first year of preschool, which was just a month after I came home from the hospital after having Reese and Scotlyn. That time frame is such a raw and intense time of grief. I was immediately shifted back to those feelings. I was deeply saddened, anxious, I just felt raw again.

Then, I was at work the other night and I heard someone say on another phone "She is going in for a c-section." I can't say if I have or haven't heard that exact phrase through this time, but out of the blue it hit me like a ton of bricks. I think of me going in for my c-section and all of those feelings from that time come flooding back. It's hard to explain, but I think on some level everyone has different thoughts and feelings triggered by a significant statement or a smell. This is just so much more intense and it literally stops me in my tracks and I can't focus on anything else.

This time of year is more difficult, too. Reese and Scotlyns' birthday quickly approaching is adding to the stress of everything. I just look at these days coming up as the last days before they were born and before everything changed so dramatically, especially the 4th of July. I know it doesn't seem like it would be a significant holiday, but it is a big one for our family and it was just before I was admitted to the hospital. We celebrated at my grandparents clubhouse like we do every year. So many memories are made and it is just so much more significant and easy to recall when it is associated with Reese and Scotlyn. Thankfully, last year's 4th of July was not celebrated the same as usual because my cousin got married in Texas in July so everyone traveled there instead. It was so bittersweet, it was very strange not to celebrate in the big elaborate way we usually do, but I was extremely thankful that it was different than the year they were born because everything during that first year is so raw.

 I am, at times, surprised at my feelings. I think maybe because there for a little while I was feeling better-better than before, better than now sort of thing. I don't know why I'm always surprised, why I ever expect anything less than heartache, sadness, and anxiety when my babies aren't here and never will be. It's always that final thought that really gets me, never ever will I see their faces again, never ever will I touch their sweet soft skin, never ever will they be in my presence again. It's almost like realizing it over and over again. 

They are on my mind in everything that I do. They are my children and I think of them as much as I think about Brennan. I am sure that may be hard for people to believe, but it is true.

The beauty of a sunset is always created by them.

I smile and have fun and I'm sure most people never know when I'm sad, but it's a little easier to hide now. I can pretend a little better and sometimes it's not pretending, sometimes I am happy and sad. It's confusing. I just still wonder so often, why did this happen. I look at pictures of Reese and Scotlyn and I don't understand why they can't just be here. Why can't they be here with their family, who love them more than anything in the whole entire world. Why can't they play with their brother every day, someone they would get unconditional love from. Why? I don't write a lot of times because I feel like people probably think I am dwelling on things, I know that this grief does not work that way and if I knew it was only other people who have experienced this loss that read this I would probably not hesitate to write more. I also think people that know me IRL might think "why is she saying she is sad, I just saw her and she seemed fine". I know I shouldn't worry what people think and usually I don't, but it is getting more difficult to express my feelings. I feel like I am repeating myself because I am still hurting the same, but it is different as well. So sometimes it's hard to explain. 

Some of my pain does come from wondering if I will ever experience having a baby again. I don't discuss that much either because I don't really know what is going to happen and if I took my readers through my journey of trying to have another baby over the last 2 years I would leave you with your head spinning, seriously, because mine is. Although, sometimes I long for more support and I know I could get it here. I also don't want my desire for another child to overshadow my love for Reese and Scotlyn because I would give anything in this world to have them back and the balance between wanting my babies back and wanting another baby is not balanced at all. It's forceful and confusing. I think I am getting a little numb to the question (to myself from myself-battle in my mind) of when/if I will have another baby. I mean sometimes I feel like such an idiot to think that I might have another baby after we have been trying for 3 years to bring home a baby. Yes, of course I consider Reese and Scotlyn my babies, they were here, they lived and breathed, even though losing them was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, having them as my own was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. However, they did not come home so when I say 3 years I am taken back to my miscarriage which is, in my mind, the first time we should have brought a baby home.

I wish I could offer more encouraging words and I have wanted to share my story of moving forward in trying to conceive many times. I think I just wanted to be sure it was going to happen, which obviously I am still not sure. I feel like it is a good way to offer hope to those who are trying to move forward in the same way not to give up. I know there have been many many times I have seen the struggles of others who have moved forward in any way they could and I have found that boost I needed to keep going. I know that some people do not understand why I can't just be happy with having only Brennan here and I cannot say that I am not happy with just him because he is a true shining light in my life. I know how lucky I am to have him here with me and he is my whole world. I won't say that I can't be happy with only him because that isn't true. I truly do not feel like I am being greedy by wanting to have another baby. I feel like I am a mother who loves her children more than life itself and I want more than anything to experience that again. It was literally ripped away from me which has been painful enough and then to go on and not get another experience is tough to swallow. There are times I feel like I should give up. Not because it's not worth it, but I just think really after all of this time, am I just crazy to even consider that this could happen for me. Sometimes I can't believe my brain/emotional state/psyche, whatever is involved in these crazy emotions, has the ability to keep moving forward with this.  I always wonder when it will be my turn or more unsettling if.

When the world says "Give Up", hope whispers "Try One More Time". Unknown

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Getting through

"You don't get over it, you just get through it. You don't get by it, because you can't get around it. It doesn't 'get better'; it just gets different. 
Everyday... Grief puts on a new face...."
 -Wendy Feireisen

It doesn't get any more real than that. I have always said "It is just different." I have heard it described as "softer" and I think that applies too at times, but it is always there. always.

There are some things that are comforting and heartwarming through all of this. I think I can speak for a lot of mommy's who have lost a baby who fear that people will forget their children after they are gone when they are all you can think about.

Can you even imagine the comfort I found when I received this text from one of my very best friends the other day?

 My heart swelled about a million times that my babies and I mean so much to her that she took time out on Father's Day to visit them.  I cannot even count how many times she has listened to me talk through these horrid, awful feelings I have felt over the last almost 2 years. Sometimes in the middle of the night in the first few months. 

Thank you, Dani, for visiting my sweet precious really does mean the world to me.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Party and Presents

Brennan had his birthday party on Saturday. It was shark themed and it was a lot of fun! Everything turned out perfect. We had great weather, the kids had a lot fun, and all of the planning came together well.

Brennan wanted his cake to say "Happy 5th Shark Birthday Brennan" so that's what it said!

Swimming with friends:)

The pinata!

Getting ready to sing Happy Birthday...

It was too windy so we moved inside:)

Bella testing out the shark prop

Brennan opening presents...his friends loved helping!

Relaxin' in his new shark chair maw maw made for him!

Baby Jackson joined the fun too:)

Post party-playing in the new bounce house GiGi got Brennan!

Our birthday present to Brennan was a fish tank with a Bala Shark and two tiger barbs. The story on putting that all together is one for it's own post! He was really excited this morning so it was all worth it!

Brennan told me this morning that every time he walks over to the tank, the fish tell him "Happy Birthday" :)

What is better than eating 5 chocolate donuts for your 5th birthday breakfast?

You can see my post about his 4th birthday here. There are lots of pictures of him through the years.


5 years ago today, this sweet soul made me a mommy!

He continues to bring me joy each and every day and is forever showing me the meaning of being a mommy. He loves me unconditionally, he has a truly kind heart, he is so bright and the meaning of a true blessing. My heart swells just thinking about the amount of love I have for him. Happy 5th Birthday sweet baby boy!

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Happy Father's Day and last day as a 4 year old!

Happy Father's Day to my wonderful hubby!

Happy Father's Day to my dad!

Here is about the time he fell in love with Brennan:)

Here they are on Brennan's first birthday:)

Happy Father's Day Bobby! Here they are celebrating 4th of July in 2008:)

Today is Brennan's last day as a 4 year old! I can't believe my baby boy is turning 5 tomorrow! This boy would have loved nothing more than to spend the day in the pool on his last day being 4 (or any day for that matter!) 

Perfecting cannonballs...

Twisting off the diving board...

Playing water ping pong

and plain old fishing around the pool is good too:)

More to come on his birthday tomorrow!

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Toys R Us

Brennan's birthday is next week and he got a birthday card in the mail from Toys R Us. Guess what came with it...a coupon! We let Brennan open the card since it is fun for him to get mail, especially for his bday:)

Well, we had to go spend the $3 coupon!  I would usually just use the coupon myself and get something for him or whatever we need, but I decided to let Brennan go shopping.We ventured out to Toys R Us (and did some other errands) and shopped for an hour and a half at Toys R Us. Looking through each aisle to decide which was the perfect toy. Brennan shopping reminds me of myself shopping, and it's not pleasant! By the end I was done! I had  2 coupons so Brennan had a certain amount to spend. When we finally picked out two toys that were about the amount he was allowed, we went to the checkout. We got up there and the toys were on sale..ahhh! So we needed more toys to use the coupons. Well, I was not about to go back and look for another toy. We left the counter to talk about the situation. I was trying to talk him out of the 2nd toy because I felt like he only picked it because I said it was time to go and it was a Thomas train and he doesn't really play with them that much anymore anyway. Earlier, on the way up to the checkout he asked for an ice cream bar (Toys R Us conveniently places them at checkout). I had said no because he hadn't had lunch and I usually don't buy that kind of stuff anyway out on a random shopping trip. Well, during our discussion about putting the second toy back he had an idea that he would put the toy back if he could get ice cream. OKAY, DEAL! 

So the prize ended up being this Jake and The Neverland Pirates spyglass, treasure map, and bandana. I love it and so does Brennan! 

This was on our lunch date at The Pasta House:)

Friday, June 8, 2012

We were driving in the car today on our way back from the Children's Hospital around here. I just got a job there and I needed to get my TB test read. On the way home, Brennan asked if he had ever been there before. He actually had hernia surgery after he came home from the NICU and we stayed overnight there so I talked to him about that. And then he asked why Reese and Scotlyn died and if they ever lived at all. He talks about them in the hospital, but I'm sure it's confusing for him and all of the details. I talked to him about them being in my belly and how they were supposed to be in there longer, but mommy and Reese were sick and at the time, even though it was very early and they were very small, it was better for them to be born. I have talked to him about this before, more than once I am sure, but I am sure he keeps processing more of the details each time I tell him and it is so incredibly hard to understand. It's hard for me to understand everything sometimes. I explained why they died, but I couldn't tell him really why they died. I continued to talk to him about details about our body and how everything works to keep us alive and moving and walking and talking. I explained to him about each of their infections and what happened to them individually. I explained that they both had infections that they were too little to fight and I said "They just, they just..." and he finished my sentence "died". He asked if they moved at all. I told him they would grab my finger and he asked which finger. I told him Reese tried so hard to open her eyes all the time. He asked about how they could see what they were doing if they couldn't open their eyes. I explained how even babies that come home from the hospital don't really move around much that they need to see what they are doing until they get bigger. We talked more about Heaven and he wanted more details. Is it in outer space? Is it a building in the sky? It is very difficult to explain Heaven to a (almost) 5 year old. This isn't the first conversation we have had about Reese and Scotlyn and Heaven and I am sure it won't be the last, but it is never easy. No part of losing a child is though.

Splash, splash, splash!

We had a fun day at the water park today!

Brennan had a ball splashing down the slides:)

It was pretty frigid, but the kids didn't mind one bit!

Adorable Grady!

These boys wanted to wake boards SO bad, but they had to be 48 inches tall...maybe next year!

Brody snuggled in his shark towel:)

My friend, Jill, and her daughter came all the way from Alabama! Here is her daughter, Bella, and Brennan.