Wednesday, October 31, 2012


Yesterday we got to go visit my Grandma and Grandpa in Missouri, it was so nice to visit with them! We took a walk around the clubhouse and through the woods.

Brennan wore his costume for them and showed off some of his super samurai moves:) He also read them a book which I think they really enjoyed!

Mad face pumpkin

Mad face to match!

Reese and Scotlyn's pumpkins:)

I did one of these 4 years ago...has it really been that long?

This morning I had a Halloween surprise for Brennan-we got to make glow in the dark chalk!

It did glow, but not a really vibrant glow that I could get a glowing picture. It was fun though:)

Showing off some sweet samurai moves:)

Trick or treating;)

We met up with our BFF's

Assessing the goods.

Day 29: Music

My video at the bottom of my blog has every song that has had an affect on me and at different stages of my grief. Another one that is not in the video is "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry

Day 30: Your Grief, tell the world

My grief today is very forefront. It has changed and it has gotten easier in a way. but in other ways just as difficult. These are random thoughts about my grief today.

 I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom when I was about 10 weeks pregnant with Reese and Scotlyn and I saw blood, a pretty good amount. I thought  for sure that I was miscarrying because my previous pregnancy had ended in miscarriage. My mom came over in the middle of the night and Casey took me to the ER. They did an ultrasound and to my relief I saw 2 beating hearts (Casey wasn't allowed in there) and discovered that I had a subchorionic hemmorhage. It put me at more risk, as if multiples and my history weren't enough. It was only recently that I have been very emotional about that time since Reese and Scotlyn died. I have always thought back to that time as a distinct and very scary memory of my pregnancy with Reese and Scotlyn, but recently has been different. I was telling a friend about it because she has a SCH and all of the sudden it hit me how incredibly lucky I am that I didn't lose Reese and Scotlyn then. I mean, even though they didn't survive long enough for me to bring them home, I think about what if I had never gotten the chance to spend the time that I did have with them. There are a lot of people who have SCH and they dissolve or move to a more non-threatening location so I don't want to scare anyone who has one, but for me it was just a thought that came to mind that I don't think could surface until now because I have always just been devastated by the fact that they aren't here with me. I still am of course, but I guess my point is that now I am able to look at things a little differently. Just being able to truly be thankful for the time I had with them. I have always tried to be, but in the beginning it is so damn hard to be thankful for anything when your babies have been taken away.

I also imagine at times what it would be like to say their names out loud if they were hear. I picture scenarios in my head of telling Casey about something they did that day or calling their name for lunch. I wish so badly that they were here and I could talk about and enjoy all of the cute and funny things that 2 year old girls do and say.

I still have moments when I either feel like I am going to vomit or I can't breathe when I think about them.

Quotes like "It's just a bad day, not a bad life" don't really apply to me anymore. I'm not saying my life is a deep dark hole (although some points have held that status), but it's just not the same and it never will be. It's not just a "trial" that I will get through or  a "life lesson" to learn from.

I was watching Private Practice the other night and one of the girls on the show had an anencephalic baby last season who ultimately passed away after birth. This season, on a recent show, a guy was hitting on her. She briefly told what happened and said even though she looked young, she had aged 100 years when that happened. I could really relate. I remember thinking that when I posted my "after" picture. I feel like I've aged so much in such a short time. Every day is so stressful and it really takes a toll.

I was pretty disappointed the first day when I didn't get a beautiful sunrise so I was determined to capture one this month:)


Day 31: Sunset

This challenge has been just that, a challenge, but it has also been comforting and rewarding. I had been struggling with writing about my grief in my daily life. Things are so different, but also the same which is hard to explain and especially without feeling like I'm on repeat. It has been so nice to have a whole month to talk about Reese and Scotlyn, I know I could anytime, but without it feeling random and scattered. I don't think people realize what a huge part of my life Reese and Scotlyn are even though they aren't here. I don't get to show pictures of their growing bodies or write about new milestones they are meeting so I think it could be easy to assume that what has happened is in the past, but they are still very much a part of my present. I'm a little sad this has ended, even though I know I can share anytime.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Day 25: Baby Shower/Blessing

I didn't have a baby shower because I was admitted at 23 weeks, but I did receive a few gifts.

These adorable hats are from my BFF Amanda.

These pea pod hats were from my BFF Kate.

Reese and Scotlyn's room wasn't decorated, but I had bought quite a few things for it. I had a pink tutu bed skirt for their cribs, pink and brown polka dot sheets, a pink and brown lamp, a rug to go in the middle of the two cribs and my mom had bought these to set in their rooms. I still daydream at times what their room would look like when it was all set up in the way I had dreamed of for so long.

The last 3 pictures are clothes that I ordered from Gymboree while I was in the hospital waiting for Reese and Scotlyn to be born. 

Day 27: Artwork

This is my dad's tattoo he got not too long ago. It has Reese and Scotlyn's names, my brother Billy, my uncle Larry and my Grandma who all also passed away.

This is the most amazing portrait that Renee had sketched for us. I love it so much and I think it is so amazing that she even had this idea!

Friday, October 26, 2012

Day 26: Age

too young.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Day 24: Sibling

This is the best big brother to two little girls in Heaven.