Thursday, July 26, 2012

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Yesterday was rough and very unexpected. I mean I expected to feel a little more empty that we weren't celebrating with our daughters here and just the day in itself brings back so many memories, but I was sucked into a pit of grief. Like the debilitating kind where you can't do anything. I don't even remember the last time I felt that way, close to a year ago or more, I'm sure. I didn't even feel this way last year, maybe because we had planned a party the day of their birthday and I was preparing everything and we were with friends and family. This year was much different. I had been planning for a while now what I was going to do to celebrate Reese and Scotlyn's birthday this year. The few plans I came up with didn't work out, but I planned to be busy and do something fun with Brennan. I went to bed a little before midnight the night before and I was laying in bed and it was like as soon as midnight hit and it was officially their birthday, I broke down. I don't cry all that often anymore so it was really out of the blue that it hit me. The other day I got a text that a dear friend went to the cemetery to visit Reese and Scotlyn and that brought tears, but on a daily basis I don't get too emotional in that way. So when I woke up and did not want to do anything, but lay on the couch and watch tv (which is really embarrassing to admit and I never ever do) I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. Brennan and I read books and played too, but I didn't want to do anything else. I thought we may swim during the day because it's really too hot here to do anything else, but I had no desire. I couldn't eat breakfast, I couldn't eat lunch. We had gotten a cookie cake, which turned out less than desirable (appearance wise). Let's just say a cake made entirely out of a giant chocolate chip cookie is not a good thing to have on hand with the way I was feeling. It was literally the only thing I ate all day until dinner.  There were lots of tears and I felt really guilty all day for not celebrating for them in a more positive way. I did get some very sweet messages and cards in the mail, which I appreciate so much.  It warms my heart that people still love and think about my babies even though they are  not here. We also took their flower cupcakes to their grave and Renee, my step mom, ended up being there at the same time. It was nice to cry with someone else who loves my babies too. After our nap Brennan asked to go swimming and I was feeling a little more like I could at least get out and do that so we went to my moms for pizza, swimming and she got an ice cream cake. I forgot how exhausting that raw grief can be. Even though I got a nap, I was ready for bed by 9pm.

I found this sweet sweet picture on a fellow loss mommy blog on their birthday. Such a dear. Thank you Kimberly!

My days are extremely empty without my babies. I think people would think I would be used to it by now, but I am not. I think I will always feel like they are missing at many points in my life and I know that every day will not be like their birthday. Their birthday is just a day that should be so much fun and so busy and entertaining to watch my two baby girls growing bigger, but they are not here so my day was empty and lonely and sad. I looked at the two flower cupcakes sitting on the counter all day long and that was the only tangible thing representing their birthday, my heart felt like it was in a million pieces all day. 

The sunset last night.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday Reese and Scotlyn

Names in the Sand

Friday, July 20, 2012


Does anyone else have these? Flashbacks accompanied by anxiety? I definitely believe I have PTSD and have for quite some time. I thought with time it would get better, but I still have a lot of flashbacks. Sometimes more than others, but every day I have at least one. I have been having them at work a lot lately. I work in a hospital so I guess it's because I am in the same environment that I was in the hospital. I don't take care of those kinds of patients so sometimes it seems like an unusual time or situation to trigger them. I was just curious if this was still just a normal part of grieving.

(PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma. This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one's own or someone else's physical, sexual, or psychological integrity,overwhelming the individual's ability to cope. As an effect of psychological trauma, PTSD is less frequent and more enduring than the more commonly seen acute stress response. Diagnostic symptoms for PTSD include re-experiencing the original trauma(s) through flashbacks or nightmares, avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, and increased arousal—such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilence. Formal diagnostic criteria (both DSM-IV-TRand ICD-10) require that the symptoms last more than one month and cause significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Thanks to good old wiki for this info.

I don't have nightmares or difficulty sleeping. Mostly just anxiety with flashbacks or exposure to certain situations and avoidance of certain stimuli associated with the trauma. I wouldn't say I have "significant impairment" when this occurs, no one knows that I am feeling this way when it happens although I do feel like I "space out" a bit sometimes. There are definitely many times that I would like to take a xanax, but almost always talk myself out of it (I am working, driving with Brennan in the car, getting ready for bed so I will just sleep it off). I have always just chalked it up to grief and I am still grieving no doubt, but now that it has been 2 years I am wondering if I need to take another step to try to resolve this aspect. I don't really want to just take medication. I am researching some therapies out there that can help, but I am just wondering if this is a normal part of this process and if I just need to give it more time. Thank you in advance for your thoughts:)

Thursday, July 19, 2012

No cake?

We were in the car the other day and I was talking about Reese and Scotlyn's birthday coming up. I was asking Brennan what he wants to do to celebrate. He asked "Will they be alive then?" I told him no. "So they will still be in Heaven?" Yes. "Then they can't eat cake." {insert sad, pouty face here} I told him no they wouldn't, but we would get them flower cupcakes like last year and a cake or cupcakes or whatever he wants. First, he said a Spiderman cake and I asked if he thought Reese and Scotlyn would like a Spiderman cake. He said "No, let's get them a Catwoman cake". So we will see what we end up with. I have no plans yet. I will probably just let Brennan choose what we do and stay busy.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I try not to...

daydream about what could have been standing in Gymboree staring at the "Birthday Girl" shirt with the pink tutu one week before Reese and Scotlyn's 2nd birthday

feel bitter that I have to hesitate to get Brennan a big brother shirt because of the way people may interpret it, even though he is indeed a big brother

feel anxiety when I see a child I know that was born around the same time Reese and Scotlyn were and imagine them being that age, toddling around right now

feel angry that I am putting a birthday memorial  in the paper instead of a picture of my two sweeties in those birthday tutu's announcing their second birthday

think constantly about all of the ways my life would be so different right now if Reese and Scotlyn wouldn't have died

feel sad that I cannot celebrate their birthday with them by my side one week from today

feel sick to my stomach when I really stop to think about all of the amazing and wonderful things that we have missed out on with them over the last two years and will continue to be deprived of

wonder what Brennan would be like as a big brother, how he would play with them, teach them, and love his  baby sisters to no end with his big huge beautiful heart

feel confused about why most people get to take their baby home and I didn't

but it's hard not to. really hard.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Grief and stupid people

I feel like my grief still comes  in cycles or waves. There are times when I think certain things are going to be very difficult and they end up being easier than I thought. Then there are of course the times that I don't think anything at all about something being upsetting and then it hits me out of nowhere. I had a really really good 4th of  July week, which I was worried about. We did a lot of new fun stuff and made new memories. I absolutely thought many times about Reese and Scotlyn and how it would be with them there playing with the kids and sharing those memories with us. I had a few flashbacks because I slept in the same room as I did when I was pregnant with them. I had a flashback of being outside in the middle of the night with severe heartburn. Overall, though I really enjoyed myself and being with my family:)

Last night we went to eat for my step-dads birthday. We went to a restaurant that we used to go to all the time when I was growing up. A lot of old friends of my parents still go there so I usually see a lot of people I know. One of my parents' friends that I've known since I was born practically, but haven't seen in a really long time was there. Brennan was sitting next to me and he came over and asked how many kids I have. I introduced him to Brennan. He says again while looking around the table "Is he your only one? I thought you would have a second by now." Seriously dude? I just froze. My whole family is sitting there, I just stared at him. I couldn't even say anything else. Part of me feels like I should have just blurted out that I lost my daughters, but goddammit anyone who has lost a baby (or two) knows how freaking awkward/difficult it is! I seriously thought I might cry if I said anything else. He picked up cue and said "Should I just shut up now?" Um yes please. I recovered well, but I still hate this life where I cannot introduce my daughters sitting right next to me, I have to feel awkward talking about them. Which maybe it's my own fault for feeling awkward, but you never know what kind of reaction someone is going to have and there are those times when it is just easier to avoid anymore stupidity. I am definitely to a point where I don't feel guilty if I don't mention them. I know they know how much I love them and I know they are constantly on my mind. It is for my protection and I know I need to protect myself sometimes.

I know a lot of people having babies and I am always genuinely happy for them. I just always wonder what it would be like to have a baby and be happy and stress free and just take my baby home. I wonder what that would feel like. I mean I brought Brennan home. thankfully, but not before spending a week in the hospital and then spending 6 weeks by his side in the NICU. Two years ago today I was admitted to the hospital with Reese and Scotlyn. I wish the ending would have been different, I wish my babies would have lived. Life would be a million and one times better and I would not be experiencing all of this pain and they would get to live the life they deserve. I miss them terribly.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

4th of July week

And it was a fun and busy week! We went to my grandparent's clubhouse, aka Happy Landing. I wish I would have taken a picture of the clubhouse, but it was built in the 1800's. So when I was young we used an outhouse, yeah it's that old. My grandpa eventually built a bathroom onto it. It has a teeny kitchen, large (compared to the rest of the house) living area, one bedroom and a bathroom. You should see how many people we fit in there:) My grandparents used to travel from the city for weekend trips, but now they have their home on the property because they love it in the country so much.

Anyway, our whole family comes in from Mississippi and Texas every 4th of July. We talk, celebrate the holiday, walk down to the river. 

They have made mudslides in the past and made another one this year.

The river was very low since it's been so dry, but the kids still had a lot of fun getting wet.

The smallest frogs I have ever seen!

The younger kids playing cars and building "houses" out of playing cards. This is the living room in the clubhouse.

Everyone brought shirts to tie dye red white and blue:) My cousin, Kristin, started this 2 years ago and I think it may be a tradition!

Here is (almost) everyone in their tie dye. I was putting Brennan to bed so I think we may be the only ones missing.

Hanging in the hammock is a favorite past time:)

My mom brought glow sticks for everyone.

Then, Thursday we went ziplining! This a new adventure for our family. We usually do a day float trip, but this year we went zip lining and it was a lot of fun!

This is the first crew. We had 19 people total go! 

Ready in my gear:)

Me with Brennan and my cousin Maggie.

Then, Friday we traveled back to my mom's and swam for a bit and went to the Cardinals Game Friday night. They had a firetruck outside the stadium spraying water since it was so HOT.

We had a beautiful view of the arch

and the fireworks:) I had to edit the crap out of this picture so it's not good quality, but I love Brennan's face.


We went to visit Fred Bird:)

My brother and his girlfriend:)

Saturday we had a pool party at my mom's house. Everyone had a great time swimming!

All of the cousins, except one that couldn't make it and two that left that morning:(

Brennan started doing flips and diving-I am so proud of him. When he decided he wants to do something in the water, he is so determined until he gets it.

They were jumping in the pool while catching a football, while my cousin was sitting on the side pelting them with a bucket of water. It was pretty entertaining.

Then we busted out the karaoke machine...also very entertaining;)

Three of my cousins, siblings, all played live music. They are so incredibly talented. We really enjoy listening to them. Here is my cousin, who is 13 years old, playing keyboard and singing. At some points in the song he would play the harmonica while playing the keyboard. 

The audience:)

My cousin, Leyna, playing keyboard and singing:)

And Jacob playing guitar-so peaceful listening to beautiful talent.

Then the next day everyone traveled home:( It is always so hard to see them leave because every one of my family members are funny and silly and sweet and kind. It's a shame that they live so far away. However, I do feel like we make good use of the time we do have with them:)