Monday, May 11, 2015

Mother's Day

**I started this on Mother's Day, but I just never got it posted, but I still wanted to share**

This Mother's Day was hard. Very hard. I was a bit surprised. I looked forward to it thinking we would get to see my grandma and grandpa, that I haven't seen in too long, but we were expecting bad weather so they cancelled. Then throughout the morning I had so many mixed emotions between feeling so incredibly thankful to be a new mommy again to Brooks, and feeling so incredibly sad to be missing another big part of me being a mommy, Reese and Scotlyn. I had a strong desire to go to the cemetery and honestly I don't always feel like I need to go there to grieve. I actually don't usually prefer it, but yesterday I did. I had originally planned for us all to go, Brooks still hasn't been there. But we were expecting rain and Brooks was asleep and I thought I should go before it started raining. I offered for Brennan to go and he does go with me often when I do go, but I didn't really think he would that morning. As the morning went on I was feeling a little like I needed to go alone so I could cry and not make him worried about me, but he ended up wanting to go. Which of course was completely fine. We took two pink pinwheels with white polka dots. It was breezy so they were perfect, but all I kept thinking is that I still don't understand why they are gone. I know I never will, ever (and I don't want to hear that everything happens for a reason or that it's God's plan) but I still get stuck in this state of disbelief that my babies died.  I think about them often, but I have been in a bad habit of pushing my grief away and I feel like I had to do that again on Mother's Day because, well I have 2 boys here that I need to be a happy mommy for. I definitely do not give myself enough time to grieve and I have needed it now more than I have in a long time. And while I mostly have never hid my grief or tears from Brennan because I think it's good for him to know that it's okay to grieve, lately I have been. So that's that part of Mother's Day for me. Brooks made two special butterflies for his sisters♥

The rest of my Mother's Day was joyful and spent with many people I love and wonderful mama role models.

My mama and Brooks. My mom had been watching Brooks on Friday mornings, he likes his GiGi time:)  I had a heavy heart for her this Mother's Day because she lost my grandma (her mom) one week after Brooks was born so this was her first without her. I talk to my mom every day-in the morning and usually in the evening. I love our conversations-we talk about everything! I'm not sure what I would do if I couldn't call her and tell her about the little and big things in my life and wish her a Happy Mother's Day.

She likes to spoil these boys-mostly with as much sugar as she can find (well not Brooks..yet) 

Me and my mama, wish I could have gotten a clearer picture.

My aunt Kathy and her son, Jack. Jack liked tickling Brooks' feet:)

My grandma holding Brooks for the first time:) He started fussing, but she didn't let that stop her-she wasn't giving up that easy!

My grandma playing with Brooks. I wanted to get more pictures today, but that didn't happen and these were taken "quick while Brooks is happy"

Our family picture. I have been trying to be good about getting family pictures when we're together and have someone to take it.

We took some pictures the morning on Mother's Day before we went anywhere. I am so thankful to have these two sweet little men in my life♥

This smile...melts my heart. Brooks is SO MUCH FUN! He is still fussy (we thought the reflux medicine was working, but now he is spitting up like crazy so we decided to stop it) But really he is happy and playful, it's just when he's mad, he's mad;)

It probably seems weird, but I still have a hard time believing he is here and he is mine to keep. 

I spent so many years trying to have another baby after Reese and Scotlyn, it's hard to believe this sweet little miracle is really mine and I get to experience being a mom to a baby again.

I love when he puts his hands together like this. Another thing he does is when I'm feeding him his bottle, he grabs and holds my fingers with both hands-he is too precious!

Brooks had been starting to swat at things, but it wasn't always easy to tell if it was purposeful, but the last few days he has really been grabbing at things with both hands and bringing his teether to his mouth. I love when I get close and he grabs at my face and smiles. He loves when I get right in his face and play with him-he laughs and smiles and it's so contagious!

There is no greater thrill than your baby smiling at you♥

I'm obsessed with all of his adorable little facial expressions.

I had to get a closeup of these chucks that my friend, Kate, gave us (along with the I ♥ mommy shirt) Too cute! 

I am in total disbelief at how big this guy is getting. He is growing so fast!

He is really seeming so much older and it's making me sad! Sometimes I look at him and I feel like he should still be 3 years old! 

Sweet card Brennan made for me at school♥

All of my goodies-plant from Brennan that he grew from a seed at school, his card, card from Casey and flowers from Casey-I'm pretty spoiled by all my men♥

I also got this wonderful gift from Renee, she works full time and babysits Brooks in her only free time while we work, but not really free time because she misses out on much needed sleep to babysit him. And she still finds time to make me something! I can't wait to hang it up! She has made about every piece of furniture in our house, tons of awesome goodies for both boys including Brooks' crib and armoire! She is so incredibly thoughtful and she is always thinking about us! 

This Mother's Day, I couldn't stop thinking about all of the mama's celebrating without their babies-I had to take a moment at the cemetery to think about all of the babies that are buried with Reese and Scotlyn and their mommies who are missing them. Also, everyone celebrating without their mom's-especially my mom who I mentioned lost my grandma in November, and those that want to be mama's and aren't able to. It is a celebrated day for a lot of people, but for some it brings just as much pain as happiness. 

Mother's Day for me, although it is fun to have a special day, I don't expect anything nor do I expect to not have to do anything. Being a mommy is my most favorite and rewarding time in my life and that itself is a true gift♥

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