Wednesday, September 28, 2011


I have been feeling like now more than ever that I need to go to an infant loss support group. I am even questioning why now, after a year, but I have learned that time does not necessarily "heal all wounds". There is one available at the hospital I delivered at, but I have never been able to bring myself to go back there. I have a hard enough time with things that enter my daily life out of my control, much less deliberately going to a place where I know will trigger a lot of emotion and anxiety. I did meet a sweet loss mother in the blog world who delivered the same place I did and attends those meetings and she is making me rethink my decision. It would be hard to go there, but maybe if I get the support I need now, it would be worth it. Plus, I would love to meet her:) I really haven't talked a lot with people who truly understand what I'm going through because they have been there. I have made some attempts online, but never really got what I needed so I relied on friends and family who have been extremely helpful, but there is a part of me who knows (and I know they would understand) that I need that connection with someone on the same level as me.

I have a feeling fall is having a little play in my emotions, too. I would have thought summer would have been harder, since their birthday is in July. It definitely brought its own emotions, but fall of last year was so incredibly hard for me. Those were the first weeks and months I lived without Reese and Scotlyn and I think about Christmas. I think every day how I don't want to live this life anymore, I just want them to be here. It's hard to think about living the rest of my life without them, it's painful and discouraging. I think about how not normal this is and it shouldn't be this way. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other because I have to.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Toy Story 3 on Ice!

To Infinity...And Beyond!

This was the best Disney on Ice show I've seen! I highly recommend it if you have the chance to go.

Brennan went with his bestest buddy, Brody and they had so much fun!

So excited when the show was starting:)

Very intrigued!

Zurg has always been a favorite of Brennan's. He is not featured a lot in the first 2 and not at all in the 3rd, but he made a big impact on Brennan!

You can't see a Toy Story show without "The Claw"

Enjoying the show...

They really didn't miss a bit on the big scenes in all movies.

Ken and Barbie were pretty awesome, too:)

Thursday, September 22, 2011


I have been having a rough time lately. It's not one thing, it's just living every day without my babies. It's still so hard. I hold back a lot on here (and in my every day life) so I don't post much about how I feel on a daily basis and there are some things that I can't talk about right now. Part of me wouldn't mind blogging more of my feelings and I had planned to, for myself and for others who stumbled across my blog in the same situation. I just don't want it to seem like a pity party, although I do think its important for people who want to be supportive, not just to me but anyone in my situation, to understand the best they can what it's like to live a life with a loss like this. Thankfully, I have wonderful, suppotive friends and family who are there for me at the drop of a hat when I need them.

Lately, Brennan has been craving a play mate. And for the past year I have been so thankful that he has been content by himself. I was always so worried about him not having a sibling and he talked about Reese and Scotlyn, but never seemed lonely until recently. He still plays well on his own (and with us, of course), but he has been asking to go play with friends or if friends can come over constantly. We do the best we can to keep him involved with other kids-school, soccer, play dates, other various activities, but I think he is craving that constant companion and play mate in a sibling. He told me at breakfast one morning that he wishes Reese and Scotlyn wouldn't have died so they were here for him to play with:( I don't mean to sound like I dwell on things or that I am not thankful for Brennan because I absolutely am, but if you think about how important your family is and how often you think about them, that is how often I think about Reese and Scotlyn and since I am forced into a future without them-that's how often I think about having another child. Every moment of my life revolves around my family and everything we have gone through and everything we have to go through to have another baby. It may be easy for someone to think that I have one child and can't I just be happy with that. I am as happy as I can be in the situation I am in and I think it's easy for the people who have planned their family and are content with what their family has become. I just feel a lingering emptiness in my life from losing Reese and Scotlyn and my family feels incomplete without them and then being forced to move forward into a life where I can't plan to extend my family the way I want to. When your whole life revolves around your family and you can't plan for what you want, especially when it comes so easily to others and you know the situation you are in should not be the way it is, it is very difficult.

I know I have posted on here before that I watch my friends' baby, Wes. Well, today I told Brennan that Wes wouldn't be coming over anymore on Thursdays. Brennan loves Wes so much, he cries when he has to take a nap and he asks for him on the days he is not here. They are buddies!

I was afraid he would be upset so I immediately assured him that we would go play with him often or have him at our house again sometime. He first verified that we would indeed be able to play with him at his house sometime and then said "I wish we could have a new baby that we could keep, but Reese and Scotlyn died." I love more than anything that he remembers his sisters, but it crushes my heart at the same time.

A lot of my difficulties come with every day conversations. Things that should be okay for people to talk about are bothersome to me. I could never name every situation because there are literally too many in one day much less the last months since I've posted, but I guess looking back through the year, I've definitely made progress, but every day is still a challenge. I'm thinking it is going to be this way for a long time.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Brennan starred on Show Me St. Louis with a few of his friends:) You can watch it here.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Gym

I posted about The Gym here in the spring. Well, Friday was the first day they had open play at The World Class Gym since spring, it is only available during the school year. Last year Brennan went to school on both days it was offered and this year he is off both days it is offered!

I'm not sure I've posted about Brennan's "rankings" in his preschool screening in May, but he is low in his physical level. I don't really think it is anything to be really concerned about since he was 11 weeks premature and gross motor has always been weakness for him, but I have been trying to get him involved in anything that will boost his physical abilities. I have been taking him to the gym for a very long time and he has always enjoyed it, but this year I am seeing how beneficial it is to him physically. I'm thinking with cold weather approaching we will be frequenting this place alot!

We happened to see one of Brennan's classmates there. They had a lot of fun playing together at WCG and then we had lunch at McDonald's after:) Aren't they adorable?!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Remembering 9/11

I know this day, September 11th, 2011, is almost over, but September 11th is never over.

This year I have really taken to heart the lives that were lost on this day 10 years ago and their families. I know it has a lot to do with my own experiences over the last year.

Just putting things into perspective and really thinking about each life that was lost that day. How each of those people had a family that they left behind and to think about each of those families and what they lost that day. I had never seen this picture before today, although it may be a more notable one. Almost 3,000 people pictured and 92 peoples' photos are not displayed.

Very powerful.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Here is where the anxiety sets in...

So my last post of Brennan's first day was all fine and dandy until I started his book for this year and I compare to last year...freaking out!! Look at the difference! It's insane!





I made a book of Brennan's first year of preschool and I am so glad I did! I'm making another one this year, I promised I would make the pages each week so that I wouldn't be overwhelmed when I went to finish it, let's see how that goes;)

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

First Day of School!

Brennan had his first day of preschool today:)

We love this program so much. I always tell his teacher that I couldn't dream of a better preschool for Brennan.

This year starting school was much easier for me, last year was very hard to let my baby go, especially after losing Reese and Scotlyn. This year, of course it's hard because it just means he is getting older, but I know what an amazing place he is at so it makes me happy because I know it is the best thing for him:)

Sunday, September 4, 2011

First time Fishing!

Yesterday we took Brennan to a "Kid's Fishing Rodeo" in town. Brennan got a fishing pole from his friend, Carter, for his birthday and we haven't had a chance to use it yet. This was the perfect opportunity.

We happened to see our neighbors there so we fished with them:) These are our neighbors that invited us to swimming lessons at their house this summer.

Brennan and Caiden are only 6 days apart! Our backyards almost touch so I can see these two running through the field behind our house to play someday:)

I never really thought Brennan would have friends around our house that he would actually be able to go meet without me having to take him. We live out of town, but our street is windy and a little busy at times and the houses aren't very close together because everyone has at least one acre. Obviously is won't be for quite some time that they will be able to run through the yards to meet, but it's a nice thought for the future:)

Even though we didn't catch anything, Brennan had a pretty good time.

Brennan had another little friend join him, too:)

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Endless Love

Have I ever mentioned how much I love this guy??

I mean, how I could smother him with kisses every second of the day!?

And how I can't imagine a more fantastic little man to spend my days with..

Even though he is becoming more and more independent.

Thankfully, he never gets tired of mommy loving on him!

4 years ago today was my due date with Brennan. Even though he was born much much earlier-I will never forget the day he was due to be born:)

Friday, September 2, 2011

Soccer and such

I have been a total blog slacker, but I decided to post a few pictures (I've been slacking in that department too!)

So here is one thing Brennan does with my phone when he plays with it. He usually plays Angry Birds, does finger painting on it, watches videos on youtube (funny kitties), but usually he takes random pictures and videos (as seen below). So I get my phone back and these are the kind of pictures I find..

as well as random pictures of the floor, the wall, etc. He is a silly boy! It's really funny to look through my pictures and be surprised to find goofy pictures like this-it's not a perfect smiling, centered picture, but I love it because it's my sweet boy being his carefree amazing self!

I think my last post I mentioned that Brennan was starting soccer. His first practice was cancelled due to the rain:( So his first real practice was last weekend. He was listening, paying attention and participating really well, until I got there. Brennan apparently then decided that he didn't like soccer and proceeded to cry and run to me every 5 seconds. I debated whether or not we should just leave because what is the point of sitting there in the heat if he isn't playing, but I decided to walk him out onto the field and once I got him out there I thought I would slowly move to the side. Yeah, that didn't work. He just kept running back to me crying wanting me to sit right next to him and the other kids while the coach was talking to them. Then they started playing little mini games (practicing) so I had to go out with him and basically hold his hand while he is running down the field-what else can you do but laugh?! It was rather silly. Casey was really frustrated and decided that I am not allowed to come anymore;) As it turns out I will not be able to attend every other practice anyway because I work weekends, but a girl at work suggested I go in disguise and blend with the crowd on the days I can go-now that sounds like a plan!:)

So as if the whole fiasco with him not wanting to play wasn't bad enough-I brought my camera and no memory card so I only got a couple of pictures with my phone. I did get him in action doing some drills during practice:)

Not the most perfect morning, but in scheme of things, not worth stressing over either!