Tuesday, November 27, 2012

This is going to be a long Christmas season. I want to crawl in a hole, but I have a 5 year old who is "so excited about Christmas I can't stand it" (his words) so the show must go on. I don't remember feeling this way last year, the first year-yes. At first I thought it was because it was still November and maybe I just wasn't "ready" because I really do like to wait to start celebrating until at least after Thanksgiving and usually wait until December. Tonight we decorated the tree and I was so sad. I went on because Brennan is not too little to not understand anymore. There is no more sliding by with the bare minimum. I want him to have everything and to have a truly magical Christmas and he is more excited this year than ever, which maybe will help me. I think he sensed my feelings, for one I'm sure it was obvious since I was crying tonight putting Reese and Scotlyn's ornaments on the tree, but he went to our curio cabinet where I keep all of their Christmas ornaments and statues and started picking things out he wanted to put up.  And later he was singing a song and he said it was about Reese and Scotlyn. He couldn't remember the words when I asked him to repeat it. He is so sweet and so sensitive and really picks up on my emotions regarding them.

My sweet bear holding their ornament from last year. 

I had been feeling rather well for the last month or so. Anxiety had been surprisingly low and for a longer period of time, which was fantastic. I feel it creeping up again. I hate it. I have felt more in control recently when my anxious feelings would return, but I am starting to get to the point where I can't control it or at least it's coming more frequently. Everything does look really pretty and of course Brennan made me laugh all evening. I love his little personality-he is really becoming quite the prankster. Tonight he had some bubble wrap from the ornaments and he came in the room and said "Look mom, I can snap now." I was really surprised because he has seemed pretty far from it in the past, he moved his fingers like he was snapping and had the bubble wrap behind his back and at just the right moment he popped one of the bubbles. I thought it was so clever:)

Being his silly self.

One of his favorite Christmas buddies:)

Decorating his tree in his bedroom:)

Admiring his train.


  1. I hate those feelings of anxiety creeping up too. Do you get an ornament for Scotlyn & Reese every year? I love that idea. I just want to hug you. I'm sorry Christmas is so tough this year.

  2. It looks so pretty and enchanted. I am so sorry yo are missing your sweet girls. I have been battling anxiety also. The holidays are hard on emotions. Praying for you friend. Oh by the way thanks for the email I was happy to hear the update. Believing for great news soon!

  3. I haven't quite accepted the reality that December is here. Tomorrow. I'm trying to stay busy and distracted, I guess. Because the reality of it just makes me want to crawl into a hole and cry my eyes out.

    Thinking of you, and your girls. And that darling boy of yours. He is such a sweetheart.