Tears

I wrote here about Scotlyns recording device with her heartbeat not working in her bunny. I got a call from Build A Bear a couple of weeks ago saying it was ready and working-I was so relieved. Our Build A Bear is in the mall so I carried her bunny around with me while I did a little shopping. I was in Macy's and found a few things for Brennan and went to check out. There was a lady in front of me checking out and she was commenting to the sales clerk on how cheap the girls clothes were. She turned around and asked "Do you have girls?" as I am holding Scotlyns bunny. Is someone sitting on my chest because I can't breathe. Do I have daughters? Yes. Daughters I can buy clothes for? No. I just politely smiled and said no, because I don't have 'girls' I can buy clothes for which I am certain was why she was asking. Still can't breathe, actually feeling quite suffocated. Oh how I wish I had my girls to buy clothes for. How different and wonderful and amazing my life would be if my girls were here. How I still don't understand why they aren't here and never will be. I realized after Brennan started school that Reese and Scotlyn would be starting preschool this year. I don't know why I didn't think of it before, but all of the sudden it hit me. I think that was harder in the beginning than sending Brennan to public school-and that has not been easy.

The first couple of days Brennan had a really hard time with drop off at school. The second day being the worst. The first day when we go there he screamed, yes screamed and cried. It was quite terrible, but he had a couple of those same instances this summer so I was a little prepared. I wasn't prepared for the second day when we were eating breakfast and he said he didn't want to go to school, i encouraged him that all would be fine and he would have fun just like the first day (he did have a great first day after I left). He continued saying he didn't want to go then started crying in the car on the way-"I don't want to go to school. I want to stay home with you for one more day, please just one more day. I want you to teach me 1st grade" Ahh! I want to teach you first grade! (Casey really wanted him to go to public school which is why I am not homeschooling again) I still (of course) encouraged him that it would be a lot of fun just like the day before. He continued until we got to school and he would not get out of the car. I had to get in and drag him out-so not my child. I had to drag him into school and into the classroom. The teacher had to pry him off of me while he is screaming and crying. That's when I lost it. I was so so sad. I knew he would settle like the day before, but I worried all day. I called the first day to check on him and I should have the 2nd day because I worried more that day! He greeted me with a smile after school though and told me all about his day. Since then has been much better. Casey took him the 3rd day-no tears, no sadness, he was completely fine. So I had a talk with him and explained that it was ok to be sad, but he could not scream and cry. So I took him again the next day and he did much better, but the teacher wanted to talk to me so I was standing there for a minute which gave him time to change his mind. He came over with tears in his eyes and said "I'm trying really hard not to be sad, but it's hard" It was getting worse the longer I stood there so I did a last hug and kiss and told him bye and went into the hall and he settled right down. I started leaving him the hall instead of coming into the classroom and that has worked much better. I took him every day this week and he has had no tears, except today he kept looking back in the hall saying "bye mom, I love you mom, I love you mom, bye" and the last look he started running back to me crying and he quickly turned around and ran into the classroom like he knew he just needed to get into the classroom and he would be fine. Such a sweet boy. I love him and I MISS him so much. I do not like this at all. I feel like I never see him and when I do we are doing homework and it makes me sad. He does enjoy it. I feel like now it is much harder on me than it is on him.

So needless to say the tears have been coming from me this week.