Monday, August 12, 2013

I have been so emotional the last few weeks. I am starting to feel a little better, but I am still in constant wonder about why my babies can't be here with me. Every day, I wonder. I know it seems so repetitive, but I don't think that will ever end. So many people have babies every day with no difficulties. It always amazes me. My situation is such the opposite. Speaking of opposites-I think about this often. You know how people are always so giddy about babies? I mean they are the cutest and the squishiest and they change your lives more than anything in the whole world. So why is it so hard for people to understand that the opposite of the most exciting time of your life is the worst possible time in your life when you lose your child? I mean some people do try to understand of course, but the ones who don't. I don't get it.

I grieved quietly on Reese and Scotlyns' angelversaries. There is always so much anxiety leading up to their birthday and then dreading the dates they died that by the time their birthday is over, I have nothing left. I had a baby shower for my BFF on Scotlyns angelversary and she is having a girl. I don't think she reads this, but when it comes to people I know and my best friends, especially, I really don't blog much about my feelings toward their pregnancies. I know how much my friends try to understand what I am going through and especially this friend at this time, but I do not want them to feel guilty by reading something I might say that is in no way their fault. However, this shower was difficult, but I really wanted to be there for her. Then we went camping on Reese's angelversary. It was nice to get away and be with friends, but of course no matter what we do I always,  always wonder what it would be like to have them with us.

So in the midst of my emotional chaos, we went to the store one day and there was a homeless girl outside with a sign asking for money. I was so curious about her. She looked about my age, a cute girl with strawberry blonde dreadlocks. There are often times people in this same spot-usually older men, but this girl was different. She was my age. It made me so sad to wonder what she had been through that made her have to resort to this. On the way out I stopped and gave her some money. She had this big bold smile and said "God Bless". I just started crying, I felt so sorry for her.  I wanted to help her more. I wanted to talk to her to find out her story and help her more in some way. I wondered if she had a child or children she was trying to feed. Brennan was with me so of course I have to be cautious about decisions regarding this, but I saw her again today and I am still so torn. I don't want her to have to be out on the street asking for money. Maybe I could take her a bad of groceries? I mean I would love to help more than that even, but I sometimes I wonder what they spend the money on. If it truly is for food or something else. My heart is just broken for her and the situation she is in, I wish I knew of something more I could do that would really make a difference.

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