Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I wish with my whole heart that Reese and Scotlyn were here and I really feel like I deserve my babies. I'm sure it's no surprise that I would make that statement, but I have really been having these strong emotions lately. I know there have been many feelings of guilt and there still are although thankfully they seem to be less and less frequent. Very thankfully because I feel like I realize the more important feelings that I need to focus on when those feelings aren't consuming my mind. I find myself evaluating every move I make with Brennan and realizing more and more that yes, I am a good parent. Not perfect, but very patient, very loving, very attentive. Overcoming the feelings of guilt sort of makes it harder because it is making me realize time and again that I do deserve to have my babies here.

I entered the world of counseling again. I received 6 sessions through my EAP program late last year and decided I wanted to go back and luckily they approved me for 6 more. I know that my friends and family don't mind listening to me and I know in my mind that 7 months isn't a long time when you're faced with something of this magnitude, but I feel like people who haven't been through something like this may think at this point that I wouldn't have so many strong emotions anymore, but I do. I've always felt that counseling was mostly a validation of my feelings, which was good and has been helpful in the past. Now I'm looking for more ways to cope, to deal with things. Talking through them helps alot, holding them in helps at times, and writing helps and I definitely need to do more of that-which was suggested by a friend and my counselor. I haven't written enough and I'm regretting it. I sort of felt like if I was going to write that I needed to be writing for someone to read which I know isn't the case. I think I'm also afraid of writing things that I don't particularly want others to read so I just keep it in. It doesn't go anywhere except around and around in my head, which is definitely not helpful. He also told me something I hadn't heard before and then I heard it again later that same week and it was really thought provoking. He said that by me wanting to continue to move forward in having another baby (whichever form it may be) shows that I have a lot of love for my children if I'm willing to risk being hurt again. Then I heard the same thing, phrased differently, something about being brave. See and that's the thing, I do love my children so much, more than life itself. I don't think of it as a sacrifice for myself, I think of it as giving a gift to myself. So then I think, am I being selfish. Maybe people think since I have a child, why do I need more. Well, I don't think it matters what you've been through-if you crave the miracle of creating a life then nothing is going to make those feelings disappear and they are so strong it's hard to overlook. Having children has always been my biggest dream and it still is. It's so crazy when I stop to think of everything I've been through. I'm not saying this to feel sorry for myself or for anyone to feel sorry for me, but really it's quite unreal in my mind sometimes how this has all played out. I love big families. I never really thought an extremely large family was for me, but I did want 2 or 3 kids. Casey wanted 2 and we had Brennan and then of course got pregnant with Reese and Scotlyn so it was kind of a joke that our mind was made up and we were having 3. Well, now I want a lot of kids. I would take as many as I could have. There's something about this loss that makes you realize how precious life is, not that I didn't before, but it's just different. Wanting more and more of those precious lives in my world. Not to replace my girls, but somehow to try to fill that void that can really never fully be filled. It's disheartening to think of a future knowing the huge void that is going to be there forever and ever. And to think that we have little control over the size of our family or whether or not we can even have one more baby. Helpless comes to mind. I feel very helpless in living out my biggest dream.

I really try not to let myself get caught up in the whole unfairness of the world in people having babies when they shouldn't. It's too overwhelming and can never be explained. Naturally at times I do though. I have to stop myself and think that it's not fair to the child for me to think that way. Even if their parents don't deserve them, they do deserve a life. Very often though, I think 'What did they do to deserve that baby?' or 'How can they have 5 kids and I can't have the family I planned to have, I was supposed to have?' and I most definitely feel like I live a very different life than most people.

I have asked Brennan a couple of times if he wants another baby and the last time he said "Yes, but they won't go to Heaven?" Why should my little boy have to worry about whether or not another sibling would go to Heaven?
I was looking for some other books and stumbled across this and thought it would be a great book for Brennan. My feelings were validated when I read this post by another mother who lost her twin boys. Of course Brennan doesn't completely understand because he is only 3, but he does know a lot about his sisters and I think this book has given him something to focus on and be able to ask questions while reading through the story. I always want him to understand-as much as can be understood from something like this anyway.

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