Thursday, September 22, 2011


I have been having a rough time lately. It's not one thing, it's just living every day without my babies. It's still so hard. I hold back a lot on here (and in my every day life) so I don't post much about how I feel on a daily basis and there are some things that I can't talk about right now. Part of me wouldn't mind blogging more of my feelings and I had planned to, for myself and for others who stumbled across my blog in the same situation. I just don't want it to seem like a pity party, although I do think its important for people who want to be supportive, not just to me but anyone in my situation, to understand the best they can what it's like to live a life with a loss like this. Thankfully, I have wonderful, suppotive friends and family who are there for me at the drop of a hat when I need them.

Lately, Brennan has been craving a play mate. And for the past year I have been so thankful that he has been content by himself. I was always so worried about him not having a sibling and he talked about Reese and Scotlyn, but never seemed lonely until recently. He still plays well on his own (and with us, of course), but he has been asking to go play with friends or if friends can come over constantly. We do the best we can to keep him involved with other kids-school, soccer, play dates, other various activities, but I think he is craving that constant companion and play mate in a sibling. He told me at breakfast one morning that he wishes Reese and Scotlyn wouldn't have died so they were here for him to play with:( I don't mean to sound like I dwell on things or that I am not thankful for Brennan because I absolutely am, but if you think about how important your family is and how often you think about them, that is how often I think about Reese and Scotlyn and since I am forced into a future without them-that's how often I think about having another child. Every moment of my life revolves around my family and everything we have gone through and everything we have to go through to have another baby. It may be easy for someone to think that I have one child and can't I just be happy with that. I am as happy as I can be in the situation I am in and I think it's easy for the people who have planned their family and are content with what their family has become. I just feel a lingering emptiness in my life from losing Reese and Scotlyn and my family feels incomplete without them and then being forced to move forward into a life where I can't plan to extend my family the way I want to. When your whole life revolves around your family and you can't plan for what you want, especially when it comes so easily to others and you know the situation you are in should not be the way it is, it is very difficult.

I know I have posted on here before that I watch my friends' baby, Wes. Well, today I told Brennan that Wes wouldn't be coming over anymore on Thursdays. Brennan loves Wes so much, he cries when he has to take a nap and he asks for him on the days he is not here. They are buddies!

I was afraid he would be upset so I immediately assured him that we would go play with him often or have him at our house again sometime. He first verified that we would indeed be able to play with him at his house sometime and then said "I wish we could have a new baby that we could keep, but Reese and Scotlyn died." I love more than anything that he remembers his sisters, but it crushes my heart at the same time.

A lot of my difficulties come with every day conversations. Things that should be okay for people to talk about are bothersome to me. I could never name every situation because there are literally too many in one day much less the last months since I've posted, but I guess looking back through the year, I've definitely made progress, but every day is still a challenge. I'm thinking it is going to be this way for a long time.


  1. Hi,

    I found your blog from your comment on another blog. We are at the two year mark of losing our daughter this week (also due to pre-e/HELLP) and welcomed a healthy rainbow baby this spring...but we definitely both still have our good and bad days and moments. (We are also in St.Louis, too.) Just today I was out to lunch with another babyloss mama I met through our support group- we both have baby boys now- and the lady bringing us our food asked if they were our firsts. So yeah, definitely know what you mean about those difficult conversations. I hate small talk, now.