I feel like my grief still comes in cycles or waves. There are times when I think certain things are going to be very difficult and they end up being easier than I thought. Then there are of course the times that I don't think anything at all about something being upsetting and then it hits me out of nowhere. I had a really really good 4th of July week, which I was worried about. We did a lot of new fun stuff and made new memories. I absolutely thought many times about Reese and Scotlyn and how it would be with them there playing with the kids and sharing those memories with us. I had a few flashbacks because I slept in the same room as I did when I was pregnant with them. I had a flashback of being outside in the middle of the night with severe heartburn. Overall, though I really enjoyed myself and being with my family:)
Last night we went to eat for my step-dads birthday. We went to a restaurant that we used to go to all the time when I was growing up. A lot of old friends of my parents still go there so I usually see a lot of people I know. One of my parents' friends that I've known since I was born practically, but haven't seen in a really long time was there. Brennan was sitting next to me and he came over and asked how many kids I have. I introduced him to Brennan. He says again while looking around the table "Is he your only one? I thought you would have a second by now." Seriously dude? I just froze. My whole family is sitting there, I just stared at him. I couldn't even say anything else. Part of me feels like I should have just blurted out that I lost my daughters, but goddammit anyone who has lost a baby (or two) knows how freaking awkward/difficult it is! I seriously thought I might cry if I said anything else. He picked up cue and said "Should I just shut up now?" Um yes please. I recovered well, but I still hate this life where I cannot introduce my daughters sitting right next to me, I have to feel awkward talking about them. Which maybe it's my own fault for feeling awkward, but you never know what kind of reaction someone is going to have and there are those times when it is just easier to avoid anymore stupidity. I am definitely to a point where I don't feel guilty if I don't mention them. I know they know how much I love them and I know they are constantly on my mind. It is for my protection and I know I need to protect myself sometimes.
I know a lot of people having babies and I am always genuinely happy for them. I just always wonder what it would be like to have a baby and be happy and stress free and just take my baby home. I wonder what that would feel like. I mean I brought Brennan home. thankfully, but not before spending a week in the hospital and then spending 6 weeks by his side in the NICU. Two years ago today I was admitted to the hospital with Reese and Scotlyn. I wish the ending would have been different, I wish my babies would have lived. Life would be a million and one times better and I would not be experiencing all of this pain and they would get to live the life they deserve. I miss them terribly.