Yesterday was rough and very unexpected. I mean I expected to feel a little more empty that we weren't celebrating with our daughters here and just the day in itself brings back so many memories, but I was sucked into a pit of grief. Like the debilitating kind where you can't do anything. I don't even remember the last time I felt that way, close to a year ago or more, I'm sure. I didn't even feel this way last year, maybe because we had planned a party the day of their birthday and I was preparing everything and we were with friends and family. This year was much different. I had been planning for a while now what I was going to do to celebrate Reese and Scotlyn's birthday this year. The few plans I came up with didn't work out, but I planned to be busy and do something fun with Brennan. I went to bed a little before midnight the night before and I was laying in bed and it was like as soon as midnight hit and it was officially their birthday, I broke down. I don't cry all that often anymore so it was really out of the blue that it hit me. The other day I got a text that a dear friend went to the cemetery to visit Reese and Scotlyn and that brought tears, but on a daily basis I don't get too emotional in that way. So when I woke up and did not want to do anything, but lay on the couch and watch tv (which is really embarrassing to admit and I never ever do) I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. Brennan and I read books and played too, but I didn't want to do anything else. I thought we may swim during the day because it's really too hot here to do anything else, but I had no desire. I couldn't eat breakfast, I couldn't eat lunch. We had gotten a cookie cake, which turned out less than desirable (appearance wise). Let's just say a cake made entirely out of a giant chocolate chip cookie is not a good thing to have on hand with the way I was feeling. It was literally the only thing I ate all day until dinner. There were lots of tears and I felt really guilty all day for not celebrating for them in a more positive way. I did get some very sweet messages and cards in the mail, which I appreciate so much. It warms my heart that people still love and think about my babies even though they are not here. We also took their flower cupcakes to their grave and Renee, my step mom, ended up being there at the same time. It was nice to cry with someone else who loves my babies too. After our nap Brennan asked to go swimming and I was feeling a little more like I could at least get out and do that so we went to my moms for pizza, swimming and she got an ice cream cake. I forgot how exhausting that raw grief can be. Even though I got a nap, I was ready for bed by 9pm.
I found this sweet sweet picture on a fellow loss mommy blog on their birthday. Such a dear. Thank you Kimberly!
My days are extremely empty without my babies. I think people would think I would be used to it by now, but I am not. I think I will always feel like they are missing at many points in my life and I know that every day will not be like their birthday. Their birthday is just a day that should be so much fun and so busy and entertaining to watch my two baby girls growing bigger, but they are not here so my day was empty and lonely and sad. I looked at the two flower cupcakes sitting on the counter all day long and that was the only tangible thing representing their birthday, my heart felt like it was in a million pieces all day.
The sunset last night.