Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I try not to...

daydream about what could have been standing in Gymboree staring at the "Birthday Girl" shirt with the pink tutu one week before Reese and Scotlyn's 2nd birthday

feel bitter that I have to hesitate to get Brennan a big brother shirt because of the way people may interpret it, even though he is indeed a big brother

feel anxiety when I see a child I know that was born around the same time Reese and Scotlyn were and imagine them being that age, toddling around right now

feel angry that I am putting a birthday memorial  in the paper instead of a picture of my two sweeties in those birthday tutu's announcing their second birthday

think constantly about all of the ways my life would be so different right now if Reese and Scotlyn wouldn't have died

feel sad that I cannot celebrate their birthday with them by my side one week from today

feel sick to my stomach when I really stop to think about all of the amazing and wonderful things that we have missed out on with them over the last two years and will continue to be deprived of

wonder what Brennan would be like as a big brother, how he would play with them, teach them, and love his  baby sisters to no end with his big huge beautiful heart

feel confused about why most people get to take their baby home and I didn't

but it's hard not to. really hard.


  1. It is hard. <3 I really could have done WITHOUT that fricking American Girl catalog that I got in the mail the other day. They don't warn you that the crap like that never stops, early on it's baby formula crap, now it's dolls for 3 year olds. Ugh.

    Thinking of you. xoxo

  2. Oh Kim I am praying for you so much as their birthday approaches. I think it is so good to get these felling out rather than keep them inside. Brennan is a great big brother and I know the girls are smiling down on the wonderful family they have. LOTS of prayers for you, LOTS!(HUGS)

  3. Sending virtual hugs and (non-virtual) prayers your way today. It isn't fair.