Tuesday, July 23, 2013


My truth: I am dreading Reese and Scotlyns birthday tomorrow. I feel like a terrible mommy saying that. I just miss them so much and it makes me so sad that I have to spend another one of their birthdays without them here to celebrate. I have been having so much anxiety about the days coming up. I am able to be distracted unlike in the beginning, but when it hits, it hits hard. 

We went peach picking yesterday at Eckert's with our friend. The orchard is behind the cemetery where Reese and Scotlyn are buried. The tractor pulled right up  by the infant section of the cemetery. I had this feeling that I just wanted to run over there and be with them. I didn't go over there because Brennan was headed toward the peaches. It's truly not that comforting to look at a headstone when all you want to do is hug your babies.

We haven't made any plans for tomorrow. I leave the day open so Brennan and I can spend the day together and then when Casey gets home, spend the evening with him. I am a little anxious about though, Casey had to go out of town for work:( I cried and cried when I found out. He just got this job so there wasn't  anything he could do. Also, we have no plans during the day and last year when I didn't make plans, I was so sad that we sat at home and I cried all day long. I don't want a repeat-I should at least have some distraction. I didn't make plans with anyone because if I am not functional-no one else should have to deal with that. So I am trying to talk to Brennan today to decide what to do.

The kids had fun picking peaches and they will be on Show Me St. Louis today.

My Godson, jack. He is so adorable!

Brennan and Livy were laughing it up on the tractor.

Brennan and Bella-BFF's:)


  1. (((hugs))) I understand, I am only now starting to climb out of the anxiety-ridden pit from Noah's birthday. It just sucks. I'll be thinking of you & Reese & Scotlyn tomorrow and saying an extra prayer for you. <3

  2. Oh Gosh, my heart is heavy for you. I know that dreaded feeling and just not knowing how you will cope. We made plans for Jonathan's b-day then I ended up sick in bed. Please know I will be thinking of you and praying for you tonight and tomorrow. I am so very sorry you have to spend another birthday without your sweet girls. Reese and Scotlyn you are so loved!

  3. Oh, how I understand! July is such a hard, hard month for me, as well. I will be thinking of you extra tomorrow. It is never easy - and the birthdays are especially difficult to navigate. (((((((hugs))))))) One thing I found is that sometimes the days after were even harder because the day of, I had people being sweet to me and remembering - but then the day after, it was silence again. So, I just try to be patient with myself and let myself feel whatever feelings I need to feel. And distract myself, too. Netflix marathons are good for that. ;-) Your photos are beautiful, by the way! Gorgeous!

  4. I understand. About this time of year I start getting in a funk knowing that Olivia's birthday is coming.

    Huge huge hugs to you.