I have been a little more melancholy lately. I was already feeling uneasy overall and then I was cleaning out Brennan's playroom last week. I had put all of his papers and projects from his last 2 years of preschool in a box in the closet and decided to sort through everything. I threw most of the papers away and as I was going through I was getting closer to the beginning of his first year of preschool, which was just a month after I came home from the hospital after having Reese and Scotlyn. That time frame is such a raw and intense time of grief. I was immediately shifted back to those feelings. I was deeply saddened, anxious, I just felt raw again.
Then, I was at work the other night and I heard someone say on another phone "She is going in for a c-section." I can't say if I have or haven't heard that exact phrase through this time, but out of the blue it hit me like a ton of bricks. I think of me going in for my c-section and all of those feelings from that time come flooding back. It's hard to explain, but I think on some level everyone has different thoughts and feelings triggered by a significant statement or a smell. This is just so much more intense and it literally stops me in my tracks and I can't focus on anything else.
This time of year is more difficult, too. Reese and Scotlyns' birthday quickly approaching is adding to the stress of everything. I just look at these days coming up as the last days before they were born and before everything changed so dramatically, especially the 4th of July. I know it doesn't seem like it would be a significant holiday, but it is a big one for our family and it was just before I was admitted to the hospital. We celebrated at my grandparents clubhouse like we do every year. So many memories are made and it is just so much more significant and easy to recall when it is associated with Reese and Scotlyn. Thankfully, last year's 4th of July was not celebrated the same as usual because my cousin got married in Texas in July so everyone traveled there instead. It was so bittersweet, it was very strange not to celebrate in the big elaborate way we usually do, but I was extremely thankful that it was different than the year they were born because everything during that first year is so raw.
I am, at times, surprised at my feelings. I think maybe because there for a little while I was feeling better-better than before, better than now sort of thing. I don't know why I'm always surprised, why I ever expect anything less than heartache, sadness, and anxiety when my babies aren't here and never will be. It's always that final thought that really gets me, never ever will I see their faces again, never ever will I touch their sweet soft skin, never ever will they be in my presence again. It's almost like realizing it over and over again.
They are on my mind in everything that I do. They are my children and I think of them as much as I think about Brennan. I am sure that may be hard for people to believe, but it is true.
The beauty of a sunset is always created by them.
I smile and have fun and I'm sure most people never know when I'm sad, but it's a little easier to hide now. I can pretend a little better and sometimes it's not pretending, sometimes I am happy and sad. It's confusing. I just still wonder so often, why did this happen. I look at pictures of Reese and Scotlyn and I don't understand why they can't just be here. Why can't they be here with their family, who love them more than anything in the whole entire world. Why can't they play with their brother every day, someone they would get unconditional love from. Why? I don't write a lot of times because I feel like people probably think I am dwelling on things, I know that this grief does not work that way and if I knew it was only other people who have experienced this loss that read this I would probably not hesitate to write more. I also think people that know me IRL might think "why is she saying she is sad, I just saw her and she seemed fine". I know I shouldn't worry what people think and usually I don't, but it is getting more difficult to express my feelings. I feel like I am repeating myself because I am still hurting the same, but it is different as well. So sometimes it's hard to explain.
Some of my pain does come from wondering if I will ever experience having a baby again. I don't discuss that much either because I don't really know what is going to happen and if I took my readers through my journey of trying to have another baby over the last 2 years I would leave you with your head spinning, seriously, because mine is. Although, sometimes I long for more support and I know I could get it here. I also don't want my desire for another child to overshadow my love for Reese and Scotlyn because I would give anything in this world to have them back and the balance between wanting my babies back and wanting another baby is not balanced at all. It's forceful and confusing. I think I am getting a little numb to the question (to myself from myself-battle in my mind) of when/if I will have another baby. I mean sometimes I feel like such an idiot to think that I might have another baby after we have been trying for 3 years to bring home a baby. Yes, of course I consider Reese and Scotlyn my babies, they were here, they lived and breathed, even though losing them was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, having them as my own was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. However, they did not come home so when I say 3 years I am taken back to my miscarriage which is, in my mind, the first time we should have brought a baby home.
I wish I could offer more encouraging words and I have wanted to share my story of moving forward in trying to conceive many times. I think I just wanted to be sure it was going to happen, which obviously I am still not sure. I feel like it is a good way to offer hope to those who are trying to move forward in the same way not to give up. I know there have been many many times I have seen the struggles of others who have moved forward in any way they could and I have found that boost I needed to keep going. I know that some people do not understand why I can't just be happy with having only Brennan here and I cannot say that I am not happy with just him because he is a true shining light in my life. I know how lucky I am to have him here with me and he is my whole world. I won't say that I can't be happy with only him because that isn't true. I truly do not feel like I am being greedy by wanting to have another baby. I feel like I am a mother who loves her children more than life itself and I want more than anything to experience that again. It was literally ripped away from me which has been painful enough and then to go on and not get another experience is tough to swallow. There are times I feel like I should give up. Not because it's not worth it, but I just think really after all of this time, am I just crazy to even consider that this could happen for me. Sometimes I can't believe my brain/emotional state/psyche, whatever is involved in these crazy emotions, has the ability to keep moving forward with this. I always wonder when it will be my turn or more unsettling if.
When the world says "Give Up", hope whispers "Try One More Time". Unknown