Thursday, May 17, 2012

seven days of paradise: missing my babies.

I haven't blogged about Reese and Scotlyn in any of my other posts about our vacation, but this trip was very hard for me without them there. I had a lot of strange flashbacks that were different than ones I have here at home. Maybe it was being out of my every day life, the normal daily activities that I have learned, through this time without them, that they will not be a part of. A "family" vacation is different. I sort of cringe at referring to Casey, Brennan and I as a family. There's always a sting to my heart (and a lump in my throat). 

I wanted Reese and Scotlyn to be right by our side enjoying all of the fun activities with us. I thought about how different our experience would have been if they were with us, mush busier and probably more hectic. I wished for the busy and the hectic and I wished for my girls to be there with us like I do every single day. I wanted them to be right there sharing these special "family" memories. I know they are always with us, but it just isn't the same. There are always so many thoughts racing through my mind regarding them on any given day, some days are just a little harder than others. 

I really did have a great time and I would say it goes down as the best vacation we've ever been on. I can smile again and enjoy things, but that does not mean that I do not miss Reese and Scotlyn in every moment of enjoyment our family experiences. Our family is not complete. It never will be.

With that being said, I could not believe these amazing, heart warming pictures I found on my friend, Tesha's blog the day we were leaving. She is a fellow baby loss mama and she made lots and lots of names of sweet, precious children that have died. She made these for my baby girls! love. love. love. You are too sweet and too kind and I am so glad to have met you Tesha!


  1. It does suck. A few weeks ago I found a reservation paper for the resort place we go to most summers. In 2009 when I was pregnant in July with Olivia, we booked a cabin there for the following year, "2 adults, 1 baby". We skipped in 2010. Going last year with Luke was SO bittersweet.

    Hugs to you.

  2. I can understand you missing your sweet girls. You are a wonderful mommy and I am blessed we are friends. It is really wonderful that you enjoyed your trip it is os important to have times of refreshing and I am glad the shells brought a smile :)

  3. I can relate. Every happy thing that happens brings some sadness with it because I wonder what it would be like with Isaac and Porter with us. I long for the hectic-ness that life with my twins would be too. I'm glad you had a good vacation, the pictures of their names in the sand and the shell pictures are beautiful.