Friday, December 31, 2010

the best of the worst

Two thousand and ten will go down in my book as one of the best years and one of the worst years in my life. It was definitely filled with a whirlwind of emotions from start to finish. I am thankful for the joy I had during my pregnancy with Reese and Scotlyn. I had a lot of fear in my pregnancy, but the joy of expecting my two girls was overwhelming. I was so excited to meet them and to hold them and to spend the rest of my life loving them with all my heart. We were very fearful when I was admitted so early, but I held on to hope and the fact that I knew I had strong little girls in there. I had experienced prematurity before, but I knew this would be much different. I knew my babies were in for the biggest fight of their lives and I needed to do whatever I could to make their fight easier. I often feel like I let them down and I feel responsible for the heartache my family felt with their loss. At the end of this year I think I have experienced about every feeling or emotion that one person can. Half of which I wish with my whole heart I knew that no one would ever have to experience again and the other half I wish with my whole heart that I get to experience again with a more positive ending. I am thankful for the time that I got to spend with Reese and Scotlyn, while I was pregnant and after they were born. So proud of Reese and Scotlyn and their fight. I'm sad for what they had to go through. I'm devastated by their departure. I miss them every moment of every day. I long to see them again and to know that they are happy. I feel a lot of loneliness and emptiness without them here. I'm confused by why something so horrific would happen to me. I've felt an enormous amount of guilt thinking of anything I could have possibly done wrong to deserve this. I have had a lot of anxiety, worsening in the last couple of months. I'm envious of people who have their babies and wonder how it is so easy for so many people. I feel frustrated with myself sometimes for not being farther into this process of healing and for resorting to medication. I feel uncontrollable emotion when I think that something could have been done differently and my babies lives could have been spared. I'm grateful that my feelings are supported by my friends and family. My feelings aren't necessarily feelings of the past, they are still very present in my every day life. I sometimes feel like people think that since time has passed that the worst is over. It is a daily struggle living this life without my babies. I'm not sure what I would do without the people in my life who understand that this is a long and difficult process for me and are there anytime I need someone to talk through my feelings.

I am very honest about my feelings through this. I have to be, mostly for myself. When asked "How are you?" My whole life it has always been easier to just say "good" even if things aren't really the greatest. It is really difficult for me to say things are "good" right now. I know that's what people want to hear because it's happy and "good", but I have to be truthful with myself and everyone else. There are not many people that I know in real life who have experienced what I have (and for that I am extremely thankful!) so I know it is really hard for someone to understand what I am experiencing. I think anyone who has experienced true grief can relate to the ongoing process a tragedy like this brings. Anyone who hasn't cannot possibly understand, but I do appreciate those who try. I have an enormous support system that I cannot even begin to imagine living this life without them. Talking and writing through my feelings has been a big part of making any progress and I could not be more thankful for the people in my life who allow me to express my feelings no matter how bizarre and sporadic they may be.

Needless to say-I'm ready for 2011..

1 comment:

  1. Dear Kim,
    I love you! I know you're frustrated with yourself about not being farther along in the healing process...but if there is one thing that I know about, it's that you CANNOT help how you feel. You can try to "be" happier and more upbeat, but if it's not there, you can't MAKE it happen. Try to remember that and try not to beat yourself up because you resorted to medication. It does NOT make you a weak person! ARE one of the strongest people I know...even if you don't always feel like you are. Love you! ~Kate