hard healing

I am torn by this day-Christmas Eve and the day Reese and Scotlyn would celebrate 5 months of their life if they were here on earth. I block a lot of "life" out, I numb my mind to many things to get through the day. Sometimes I can't control it and let go, sometimes I don't want to control it anymore and sometimes I make the conscious choice to face it. I have been having a lot of anxiety in general-which I feel I have somewhat gotten a handle on. Last night I was having some anxiety about what was behind the doors in the closet in Brennan's playroom (which was supposed to be Reese and Scotlyn's room). I knew I had some Christmas outfits in there for them and felt I needed to free my mind of the anxiety that accompanied the curiosity when I thought about what was in there, so I did. I'm not sure it really helped, but I did it. This is all definitely a learning process for me. Really learning who I am now and what I need to do to get through this. Unfortunately grief is unpredictable and definitely reigns control at times. Blocking things out does not mean that I block them out, it is more like avoiding the avenue that leads to intense thoughts and feelings of how things should be, could be. Imagining the life that we should be living right now and knowing that the more vivid the thought is leads to that much more emptiness. Sometimes I need to let go and allow myself those thoughts, I need to get deep into what I am missing because that is part of healing. It's hard to let go knowing the sadness and emptiness that is coming, but I do not want to deny my girls. It hurts every day, but if hurting is what I need to do then I will let go and give myself to them.

This is a different Christmas for me as I'm sure every Christmas will be. I suppose the first is expected to be the worst. I think about Brennan's first Christmas and how long ago that was, how special that was and how much I want to be experiencing that with Reese and Scotlyn. I think about the natural way of life and how it is time that I get to experience that again, that I should be experiencing that again. I want them to be wearing their Christmas outfits with reindeer on them and the cutest reindeer slippers ever. I want them here with me, with our family where they belong. Instead I am experiencing this completely unnatural life-a life where my children that I carried and loved with my whole heart are not here. Every day is different than it should be, but this holiday, a monumental time of year without them absolutely brings a solemn kind of joy.