Tuesday, December 7, 2010

hopes, dreams and everything in between

This wasn't really something I expected through all of this, although I really didn't expect much more than heartache, but I constantly think back to when Brennan was a baby. It's really realizing every day what is missing. The memories I have now of him and things that remind me of him when he was just born or after he came home and everything for the last 3 years and just thinking about never getting those memories of my girls. I feel guilty for looking back at pictures of Brennan and picturing Reese and Scotlyn at that age. Almost like I'm cheating Brennan out of my memories of him and disappointed in this life where I can't look back at my son as a baby and only think of him. I have this huge lump or rock or something in my chest all the time, but sometimes I can feel it getting bigger and bigger. Then it moves up into my throat. It's hard to swallow. Recently I was getting my 2011 calendar ready. I'm definitely holding my breath for 2011 to be a better year overall, but some of the things to come are going to be very difficult. Every day is a challenge, but there are certain times that bring a lot of emotion just to think about. I always go through and write important events and birthdays and I had to refer to my 2009 calendar (yes I still have my old calendars back to 2007) I can't bear to look back at 2010 on paper. I am going to chronicle through my pregnancy on here soon with ultrasound pictures I have been avoiding and I'm hoping it will help with some of the flashbacks I have. If I really get deep into everything that happened then maybe once I've gone there those parts won't be so painful again? Hope. Every month brings some memory-the big ones-February I went to Jamaica with my very best girlfriends. When I think back to that trip I get this strange feeling about myself-like looking back at a different person. It's kind of a memory of the last time I was "me". When someone says that losing a child changes your life-it really changes your entire life. every. single. aspect. Even the past. You may be wondering what the past would have to do with the present or the future, but for me it's thinking back to the person I was before. Things were so easy, even if they weren't. Everything was happy, even if it wasn't. My heart was in one piece. That was also the month we found out we were pregnant. May-Mother's Day, a mommy missing 2/3 of what makes her a mommy. June will bring Brennan becoming another year older. Sigh. July.

I had a miscarriage in 2009 and that was very devastating for me, but I was sure there was something for me in the future so I was willing to move forward with the hope for my next baby to enter my life. And for almost a year after my miscarriage I tracked my cycles. Every month experiencing all of those emotions that goes along with actively trying to conceive (anyone who has knows the stress that comes every month), taking ovulator predictor tests, every month being faced with disappointment when finding out that it's not the month. I understand that I still have a lot in life. I do not forget this, I promise. When something that "would never happen to me" happens to you, you realize that anything tragic really could happen to you as well as the things that are truly important in life. And I don't by any means feel like I'm free from any other tragedy because I've gone through this-it makes me more scared that something else could happen. When everything in life is perfect and your world is shattered, the remaining pieces are all you have. Even with everything I do have and everything in the entire world, it does not bring my girls back and it does not take away the pain. I don't expect anyone to understand this until "you walk in my shoes" because nothing, and I mean nothing in every single sense of the word, compares. Every day I realize over and over what a challenge this is going to be for the rest of my life. There are a lot of reasons I wanted to continue this blog-I think there are things that people in my life want to know, but don't want to ask. I don't mind talking about things. It isn't going to make me more sad than I already am. I might cry, but that's okay. It's not going to remind me of my girls because they are never ever far from my mind. Something else I hope this blog brings is comfort to others in my situation. Other blogs by loss mothers have been very helpful and comforting to me and if I can offer something to someone else, even one person I will feel like I have given something in return.

I know Brennan didn't realize with my miscarriage that he had lost a sibling, but he did hold a little sign that read "I'm going to be a big brother!" for a picture. So this time we waited until we knew for sure that everything in early pregnancy was going to be okay and we made a video and he said "We're having two babies!" We talked to him all the time about the two babies that were coming. He was there when we found out he would have two sisters, wearing his "Big Brother" shirt. We talked to him about them all the time. He visited me in the hospital waiting for them to arrive, he visited them in the NICU, and he gave them their names. I know at 3 he doesn't fully realize what he has lost so maybe it's more me being upset about him not having his sisters right now, but I just wonder how many times we can tell him he is going to be a big brother when in the end he has no constant play mate, no one to share secrets with, no one to kiss and hug, no one to have that special bond with. It truly breaks my heart.

It's very difficult being in the situation we are in and not being able to try again naturally. It's easy to say there is adoption or surrogacy-easy to say. To be dependent on someone else to carry out a dream you've had your whole life is discouraging. Hope is a huge a part of moving forward through a loss like this and some days it's hard to find hope when your future is truly not in your hands. I know that people wonder why we can't be happy having Brennan as our only child. Brennan is the definition of happiness in my life right now. Casey and I have enjoyed raising Brennan more than anything else in our entire lives. His energy, his love, his amazing personalty leaves us longing to experience that again. The minute I see a positive pregnancy test my whole life is changed. Immediately. Please never underestimate how devastating a miscarriage can be no matter how many days, weeks, months into the pregnancy it is. Those pictures of the future start as soon as you see those two lines. With Reese and Scotlyn those dreams were so vivid, within our grasp, literally at our fingertips and gone before we knew it. What left with them are all of the pictures and plans of what our life would have been like. Forming new pictures of our entire life without our two precious souls is extremely difficult. After having that dream so close within reach, we still want that. We want our girls, but when it all comes down to really realizing that isn't possible, we still want that experience what we have dreamed of for so long.

1 comment:

  1. thank you for commenting on my blog....i am so very sorry about the loss of your twin girls. it is heartbreaking. i wish i could say this journey is easy but you already know it isnt...three years later and i'm trying to still navigate it. hang in there....one day at at time....