Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Empty Cradle, Broken Heart
I have been wanting to read this book for quite some time. I think in the beginning I was sort of afraid to read about what I may be facing in the future, I know there was a time when I wouldn't have been able to concentrate long enough to read a book, and then this book was not very easily accessible (at the library). I haven't read many books, but even only being at page 50 in this book I would say it has to be the best book out there. It was not available at the local library so I ended up buying it, which I am glad I did because I think it's a book that will be useful to read more than once in these various phases that I have gone through and assuming my life, through this process, will continue in phases. I do want my library to have a copy, I wish with my whole heart that the book would sit on the shelf and collect dust never to be read again, but in the event that someone would need it, I want it to be available. In a way I feel this book is sort of a journal of a lot of my emotions through this journey. I haven't written as much as I should have. Sometimes there is so much going through my head that I couldn't even recall all of it if I wanted to...and sometimes I don't want to. In no way does this record my own personal encounters and feelings, but just about every page has me in awe about how closely it relates to my feelings. I do wish I would have read it sooner, however I think it's a book that needs to be read over and over. In the first few months it is really hard to comprehend much, especially a whole book and my feelings have changed so much over time. I really can't say that at six months I am better, I feel different. Definitely different. I am still adapting to my life without Reese and Scotlyn. Six months for me is still a very painful time. It is still very consuming and sorrowful. I imagine it will be this way for quite some time. I feel like there has been a minute part of healing at times. I say 'at times' because there are still times that I feel like I'm in no better place than I was six months ago. I still obsess over if things could have turned out different, I still think sometimes that it was something that I did in my life to deserve this, I still think about my girls every moment of every day.