Sunday, April 8, 2012

I am really struggling with expressing my emotions on this blog. I rarely do anymore and I'm not even sure why I think I need to. It really does help me to write and even though I could write anytime and not click publish, I guess I feel like I need to be writing for someone. It is helpful for me to look back at different stages of my grief to see how far I've come. Also, I have gained so much from reading other blogs by people who have experienced infant loss and I want to be able to give that to others who visit my blog as well. I have found so much hope and inspiration from others on their journey through grief and heartache while continuing to pursue their dreams. I know I could offer so much more in terms of that (even though I need it too) in this blog.

We went to the park last week and another mom asked Brennan if another little girl we were with was his sister and he told her no, but he told her about his sisters that died. I was so proud of him that he told her about Reese and Scotlyn. I know to him it's what is "normal", but there are times that I don't talk about Reese and Scotlyn to people I don't know. For fear that it will be awkward, for fear that they will say something that isn't particularly comforting. Brennan talks to me about Reese and Scotlyn almost daily. He confirms that they are in Heaven, he talks about another baby in which he brings up Reese and Scotlyn. Sometimes he just says "I miss Reese and Scotlyn, mommy." I miss them too, all the time. My grief is still very present, although always changing. I think I have adapted to learn that my every day living is not going to involve them, ever. Even though I think about them every moment, every day, it is not with such an intense sting. I think of them a little more peacefully. I have mixed emotions about this process. Of course I want to be happy and it's not that I don't think I deserve that or won't allow that to happen, but I feel like I'm drifting further and further away from them, which is so hard. Not having them here is hard enough, but feeling like they are a greater distance from me than they already are is tough. I feel guilty at times for wanting to moving forward in this life that does not include them physically, although I obviously have no choice. I am trying to find a happy medium without them while trying to envision a future that won't include them. It's a struggle. I still have a lot of anxiety about a lot of things in life that I encounter and I don't think that will change for a long time. Although hopefully the intensity becomes less and less, which I am confident it will. It truly is learning to live your life without the one/s you lost. My heart is still very broken.

Brennan has made my days so much brighter from day one. I enjoy every little second I have with him. It is the reason I started to consider homeschooling. Casey would say I was being selfish by wanting to home school. I think my initial decision was based on a selfish reason, wanting him to be home with me, but the more I read about homeschooling, the more I believe in it. I would not make a decision that could potentially harm my child for my benefit. I feel like I have researched this enough and the further I get into the process of planning out our days and curriculum the less nervous I get. The more fun, educational days we have together now, the more excited I get to be able to spend every day with Brennan next year and to be his teacher. The day of kindergarten registration came and went and I did not doubt for a second that I made the right decision.


  1. I want you to know that I feel your strength through your blog and it helps me. Sometimes I worry about feeling further from my boys. As we plan to have more children and talk about things we would like to do in the future (especially with children) it hurts because I want Isaac and Porter to be there and I know they won't be. . . They're such a big part of who I am but most people I encounter don't know they exist. That hurts. Sometimes I don't mention them because like you I don't want to hear strangers reactions or make people feel awkward and sometimes when people ask me if I have kids I just say yes and tell them they passed away. Do what you feel at the moment, I know it's a struggle and I'm sure in one way or another it will always be a struggle. I really hope we can meet someday and I can just give you a big hug because you have already helped me to understand my grieving process more. Your little boy is incredibly sweet and I'm glad you have him, but I know that having one child doesn't make it easier to lose others. Hugs.

  2. I love this post I feel your heart your honesty. I blog for me also, I really want to look back and remember all that I felt. I have always kept a journal and view my blog as my journal. Yes it is a bit strange that it is a journal that anyone can read, but I so believe in helping others through our struggles. I think if one person is encouraged because I was honest then Praise God. I know what you mean about talking about our babies, I told some one about Jonathan yesterday and the person looked at me like I was crazy for talking about it :( I don't care other people's comfort will not stop me from mentioning my child when ever I want. I am so glad you are deciding to home school I wanted to so bad when My oldest went to kindergarten, It took me 5 years to get up the courage. You will never regret teaching your son, it is the best experience of my life!!

  3. I don't always blog what I feel bc I know my husband and other family members read..
    But, this is your blog and your journey and new bereraved moms come across these blogs and find comfort in reading about others stories. Im thinking about you and those beautiful girls.
    You won't regret homeschooling. :-)

  4. I know exactly what you mean! I too blog for myself and in hopes of helping others on this same journey. I know my honesty makes some uncomfortable but so be it. Things Jesus spoke of in the Bible made others uncomfortable but that's what the truth does. I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughters. My son died just a few weeks before your girls. It's a tough journey and it's always comforting to talk to other baby loss moms. Btw, I also homeschool and I think you will enjoy it! ;)