We went to the park last week and another mom asked Brennan if another little girl we were with was his sister and he told her no, but he told her about his sisters that died. I was so proud of him that he told her about Reese and Scotlyn. I know to him it's what is "normal", but there are times that I don't talk about Reese and Scotlyn to people I don't know. For fear that it will be awkward, for fear that they will say something that isn't particularly comforting. Brennan talks to me about Reese and Scotlyn almost daily. He confirms that they are in Heaven, he talks about another baby in which he brings up Reese and Scotlyn. Sometimes he just says "I miss Reese and Scotlyn, mommy." I miss them too, all the time. My grief is still very present, although always changing. I think I have adapted to learn that my every day living is not going to involve them, ever. Even though I think about them every moment, every day, it is not with such an intense sting. I think of them a little more peacefully. I have mixed emotions about this process. Of course I want to be happy and it's not that I don't think I deserve that or won't allow that to happen, but I feel like I'm drifting further and further away from them, which is so hard. Not having them here is hard enough, but feeling like they are a greater distance from me than they already are is tough. I feel guilty at times for wanting to moving forward in this life that does not include them physically, although I obviously have no choice. I am trying to find a happy medium without them while trying to envision a future that won't include them. It's a struggle. I still have a lot of anxiety about a lot of things in life that I encounter and I don't think that will change for a long time. Although hopefully the intensity becomes less and less, which I am confident it will. It truly is learning to live your life without the one/s you lost. My heart is still very broken.
Brennan has made my days so much brighter from day one. I enjoy every little second I have with him. It is the reason I started to consider homeschooling. Casey would say I was being selfish by wanting to home school. I think my initial decision was based on a selfish reason, wanting him to be home with me, but the more I read about homeschooling, the more I believe in it. I would not make a decision that could potentially harm my child for my benefit. I feel like I have researched this enough and the further I get into the process of planning out our days and curriculum the less nervous I get. The more fun, educational days we have together now, the more excited I get to be able to spend every day with Brennan next year and to be his teacher. The day of kindergarten registration came and went and I did not doubt for a second that I made the right decision.