My grief today is very forefront. It has changed and it has gotten easier in a way. but in other ways just as difficult. These are random thoughts about my grief today.
I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom when I was about 10 weeks pregnant with Reese and Scotlyn and I saw blood, a pretty good amount. I thought for sure that I was miscarrying because my previous pregnancy had ended in miscarriage. My mom came over in the middle of the night and Casey took me to the ER. They did an ultrasound and to my relief I saw 2 beating hearts (Casey wasn't allowed in there) and discovered that I had a subchorionic hemmorhage. It put me at more risk, as if multiples and my history weren't enough. It was only recently that I have been very emotional about that time since Reese and Scotlyn died. I have always thought back to that time as a distinct and very scary memory of my pregnancy with Reese and Scotlyn, but recently has been different. I was telling a friend about it because she has a SCH and all of the sudden it hit me how incredibly lucky I am that I didn't lose Reese and Scotlyn then. I mean, even though they didn't survive long enough for me to bring them home, I think about what if I had never gotten the chance to spend the time that I did have with them. There are a lot of people who have SCH and they dissolve or move to a more non-threatening location so I don't want to scare anyone who has one, but for me it was just a thought that came to mind that I don't think could surface until now because I have always just been devastated by the fact that they aren't here with me. I still am of course, but I guess my point is that now I am able to look at things a little differently. Just being able to truly be thankful for the time I had with them. I have always tried to be, but in the beginning it is so damn hard to be thankful for anything when your babies have been taken away.
I also imagine at times what it would be like to say their names out loud if they were hear. I picture scenarios in my head of telling Casey about something they did that day or calling their name for lunch. I wish so badly that they were here and I could talk about and enjoy all of the cute and funny things that 2 year old girls do and say.
I still have moments when I either feel like I am going to vomit or I can't breathe when I think about them.
Quotes like "It's just a bad day, not a bad life" don't really apply to me anymore. I'm not saying my life is a deep dark hole (although some points have held that status), but it's just not the same and it never will be. It's not just a "trial" that I will get through or a "life lesson" to learn from.
I was watching Private Practice the other night and one of the girls on the show had an anencephalic baby last season who ultimately passed away after birth. This season, on a recent show, a guy was hitting on her. She briefly told what happened and said even though she looked young, she had aged 100 years when that happened. I could really relate. I remember thinking that when I posted my "after" picture. I feel like I've aged so much in such a short time. Every day is so stressful and it really takes a toll.
I was pretty disappointed the first day when I didn't get a beautiful sunrise so I was determined to capture one this month:)
