Monday, October 22, 2012

Day 22: Place of Birth/Care

Just looking at the title of this challenge gave me a lot of anxiety. I thought about skipping it altogether, but I decided to just pummel through it. This is a challenge and no part of infant loss is easy. So with that being said and just the thought of the hospital I delivered at making my heart about beat out of my chest, I won't be travelling back there for any photo opportunities. Only for the group support meetings and that is still difficult enough, but at the same time comforting. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks total. 12 days of worrying and agonizing about what our future would hold before Reese and Scotlyn were born, joy and fear when they entered this world, more worrying while they were in the NICU, followed by hopes being shattered and revived, only to end traumatically, such as the death of both of my daughters. I wish I could say I find peace there, but I don't, maybe some day I will. I didn't start going to the support meetings there until 18 months after Reese and Scotlyn died. I couldn't do it. I should have gone sooner because I have met some very lovely and supportive parents and no matter how long I had waited, I think the reaction would have been the same. I only wish now that I could go more often. I am trying to get myself into a different frame of mind in focusing on the healing part of going there rather than the traumatic part. Relating it to place of birth is more stressful than trying to focus on it as place of healing.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Kim I am so sorry my friend. i have not been back to the hospital yet and I must admit i am fearful! Thanks for sharing even though it was hard. Hugs and prayers coming your way.