Monday, January 3, 2011

movie night

I worked the last two nights so I haven't gotten to spend much time with Brennan. Tonight I decided we should have a movie night with lots of snuggle time:) Brennan got a lot of movies in his stocking from Santa, but he hasn't watched any of them yet. He is kind of like me, he likes to stick with what he is comfortable with so he isn't really into watching new movies. I wanted to watch Ratatouille, but it took some convincing on my part. I pulled it out and he says "I don't want to watch that, there is a mean guy in it." I didn't even know where he got that from until we started looking at the cover and he showed me. See the mean guy in the bottom corner?? I explained to him that a lot of movies he likes has mean guys in them, but he still likes those movies. I gave him examples and he thought of some examples, too. He asked "The mean guy isn't going to come get me?" So I assured him that he is fake and stays in the movie. So finally after about 10 minutes of answering questions of a very inquiring mind, he agreed to watch it.

So in the beginning of the movie Remy the rat gets separated from his family and friends and thinks he will never see them again. He is depressed because he is lonely and has no one. An imaginary type figure convinces him that he should look to the life that lies ahead of him stating "If you focus on what you left behind, you will never be able to see what lies ahead." When you are so consumed with thoughts about something so significant in your life you take every quote, saying, and every single thing that anyone says to heart. You try to piece every little detail into your world, trying to understand why everything happens the way it does. Taking meaning from every part of your life no matter how big or small. I did feel like I heard that message at this moment for a reason. Now it's obviously not that easy in this situation "to just put it behind me" because I will never forget Reese and Scotlyn nor would I ever want to. I have just been having so many thoughts about surrogacy. It is all such an emotional roller coaster. One minute I feel like, of course I want to do surrogacy, this is the next step in this life. And the next minute I feel stuck where I am just wishing with everything I had that I could just have my baby girls back. Then I have to snap myself back into reality and think about the fact that they aren't here with me and I do need to move forward with life while still being able to love them and miss them with all my heart. It's a constant battle. So sometimes looking at the whole picture makes the things that happen in life make a little more sense. Here I am just popping in a new movie to watch with my little man and then I hear this one little saying and it explodes into all of these thoughts about looking at the big picture in my situation.

Another member of the audience...

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